clap for me research monkey
Why Pele is king of the kitchen…Don’t hurt me GF
So, ever since I was a tiny fat kid, I’ve always enjoyed the girl fronted rock band. I don’t know why, I mean, they’re most aren’t all that good. It’s like the WNBA, you respect the girls for doing what the guys can but if you can’t dunk the ball or block someone or occasionally go into the stands and punch a fan, something isn’t up to par with the men’s game. However, every stage of my life , there has been some sort of girl fronted rock band that I’ve absolutely adored. So without further adieu and hopefully without any sort of patronizing chauvinistic writing, I submit to you :
Please don’t hurt me, GF : the girl rock stars I adored
1. The Breeders, Kim Deal :I was a fat awkward, loud and naive child. I was too fat and too awkward to really understand what this song was about. It’s like when you have a little kid who goes around cursing, it’s cute for a while but then you realize what’s actually going on and then you’re mortified :
2. The Brilliant Green, Tomoko Kawase : Ok, so every asian goes through that ” I love everything Japanese” phase. At least I think we all do. Anyways, sure most of our grandparents and great grandparents harbor some resentment towards the Japanese and sure, deep down inside no one really needs one of these , but a tiny densely populated country lead to lots of super super cute and super super adorable thing so why not a fun band as well
Did I mention Tomoko is 33 and married to the bass guitarist ? no matter.
3. Sarge, Elizabeth Elmore : If elementary school was a light spring shower of uncomfortableness, middle school was a monsoon of awkwardness. Sure, Elizabeth Elmore couldn’t sing all that well but she had an advantage! She could play GUITAR! Take that Kim, where is your mind now!?!?! Everyone knows that bass guitarists are one step below the drummers. But yes, forget that her voice is shrill and not all that great, for me a , a middle school student unaware of the acne filled terror that high school would bring, Elizabeth Elmore was queen. A funny side note, I had all these songs by Sarge on a cassette tape ( remember those? ) that I recorded of 91.7 but it wasn’t till college that I learned who actually sung them… that just screams “winner.”
Side note. Ms. Elmore actually had a law degree by the time I got into college, so I’m sure if she really cared, she could sue me for being creepy.
4. Kelly Clarkson
For the people who know me, I have a rich deep baritone voice, not unlike the hypothetical love child of Barry White and Garrison Keillor. When you take those guys to go sing karaoke ( trust me, I have ) the first thing they sing is Since You Been Gone which , with those kinds of chocolaty voices, can only be sung in falsetto. All of it. This is all about being who you’re not, for me it’s about shaking of my million dollar voice in exchange for a gut wrenching, gender bending soprano voice. It’s just that good.
Runner up :
Mandy Moore. Don’t ask me to explain.
Food goes in Here…
I’m unbelievably hungry right now and yes, I could boil up some ramen or eat a bowl of cereal but I’m craving something much more expensive then ramen and far less healthy than cereal.
1. Duck Cassoulet
2. Roasted Sweetbreads and Chicken Hearts
3. Xiaolong Bao
4. Roasted Chicken with some sort of crusty bread
5. chinese roasted pork…stuff… you know the one with the crispy skin on the outside. By the way, I hear a lot of firefighters avoid eating pork because the smell of roasted pork skin is too similar to the smell of human flesh due to the fact that human skin and pig skin are so similar… just a thought… still hungry.
6. that foie gras meal that Bourdain ate when he was in Montreal… I don’t even like liver that much but make liver taste like butter and I’ll eat it
part 1
part 2
7. snails… a city of snails prepared every which way
I don’t want :
1. to watch How I Met Your Mother
2. Suan Mei
3. anything from Lee’s Sandwich.. awful awful place
4. Sushi…. unless it’s toro or uni…
The Question about Everything
Three years of seamingly non-stop work have led to a lot of unanswered questions. Questions you ask yourself when you’re tired or stressed but questions you can not answer because you do not have the time of day to sit down and really think through these things. Socrates often said wisdom was limited to an awareness of your own ignorance, well get ready to have your awareness blown out of the water.
1. Why do we have prefabricated food with forced smiley faces on it ?
Goldfish crackers aren’t happy. Eating food that smiles doesn’t make it any more enjoyable, it’s just more twisted. If I were to be eaten, I would have force myself to have a huge maniacal smile just to bother the people eating me.
“Why is this guy smiling? We’re about to eat him”
” Nah dude, YOU’RE about to eat him, something is wrong here..”
2. I worked with mice who we engineered to be infertile. Do the male mice feel bad that they can’t produce pups?
Do they go back into their nesting and think ” Man, come on 6832, what’s wrong with you man ? The ladies are waiting !! “
3. Why is Coldplay so popular?
Easily the most overrated band. Perfectly suited for the 30-something Steve Job worshiping, corporate pseudo hipster. It’s music for the touchy-feely Zach Braff types who prefer to be rejected by girls so they can use that to pick up other girls. I mean come on, they haven’t done anything good in so long. Have you heard Viva La Vida ? It’s music to launch Apple’s next i_______! You know they’re best song? “See you Soon” and “Don’t Panic “. When were they released? A DECADE AGO!
4. How long before my suspension totally gives out?
My car performs more like a boat. For those of you who have ever driven a boat, you know the feeling when you hit a large wave and are briefly airborn ? When you hit the water again, you momentarily lose all control of the boat as it vears off into it’s own direction. Well, that’s my car. My car is a boat skipping over the peaks and valleys of the local roads. It’s thrilling. At the same time, it’s only a matter of time before it decides that it’s had enough of me and gives up.
5. How come no one ever smells the same thing I do ?
Ok, so working in a lab allows one to smell a lot of weird and “wonderful” things. LB broth? Yeah, that’s rotting spinach. Phenol ? Yeah, that’s the smell of death. However, whenever I say ” wow, it smells like ______ ” No one gets it. Inspite of these things, I’m convinced that I’m right. I’ve smelled the dried cuttlefish on the breath of a friend hours after he ate it. I’ve smelled the discarded peach gum of a coworker. I must be right. So, come smell with me, it’ll be an adventure.
Zoom zoom zoom in my boom boom
I like cars. I really do. In fact, I might be a bit bold as to say that I’m a car enthusiast. Sure I don’t know anything about engines ( I can’t tell you what engine displacement means ) and sure, I’m not some guy who can see a 196_ Chevy ____ with a 4__ small block and _____ and immediately fill in the blanks. Inspite of my lack of technical knowledge, I think we can all agree that an owner of black 96′ Toyota Camry that’s missing all it’s hubcaps and has two broken doors surely knows a little something about cars. Furthermore, what exactly qualifies me to give my humble , but completely correct opinion? Well, the following cars make me feel all sort of strange and exciting ways :
I mean come on, that’s got to mean something ? Right? Tiny little pictures of fantastic cars and I feel all goofy like a high school freshman?
Anyways, it’s time that I, in my infinite wisdom give you five perfectly good cars, perfectly wonderful cars that have been completely ruined by the people who drive them. Yes, cars are an extension of you and if you are a hopeless inbred dimwit, then your car is a reflection of your dimwitted inbredness. So, I present to you, my loyal audience of zero people ….
Zoom Zoom in the Boom Boom : A story of some cars
1. Infinity G35 :
Sports tuned exhaust. 298 hp v6. 0-60 mph in 5.4! I mean, what’s not to love. Well I’ll tell you. AZNS. It poached the title of the “Most AZN car” out from the greasy grasps of the Civic and old Lexus IS. Go to SoCal and I’m sure this car is “hella” popular. It’s a known fact that azns ruin everything : break dancing, Hip Hop, free boxers from the GAP and now cars!
2. BMW M3
Wonderful car. Brilliant car. Every RS4, every AMG C63 , every 3.0 IS or any four door sedan owes it’s life and it’s heritige to this car… and I just can’t stand it. Every popped collar business student frat boy dreams of this car. I assume it has something to do with the fact that the unique shape of the hood combined with the extra M3 badges allows the car to perfectly amplify the word “bro” or ” broham” through a bluetooth headset while traveling at 120 mph. Dude, time for a keg stand bro!
3. Lexus RX series
It’s no secret that I hate SUVs. They’re big and useless and almost always haul around ridiculously big ( by big I mean fat ) and ridiculous stupid ( and by stupid I mean stupid ) owners. This car, this car is the worst. It’s not driven around by men who want to feel all mighty as they drive in front of you and block your view of on coming traffic, no no, this car is driven by the wives of the fat and idiotic male owners. Who’s more stupid, the person who leads or the person who says ” hey, that leader knows what he’s doing ! ” Yeah, besides, this guy drives it. 
4. The new Acura TSX
Holy crap! It’s so damn ugly.
5. A King Ranch Ford
Some how, some way, Ford has convinced you that for a few extra thousand dollars, you can partake in the rough and tumble cowboy lifestyle while you drive your way to your office cubicle downtown where you wrangle up some TPS reports and possibly brew some Folgers over an open fire…. GIDDY UP!
Swim Salmon SWIM!
There is a logical progression in life. Make a movie, sell a biunch of crazy licensed crap. Come out with a sports car, make a faster lighter more expensive version. No one does the opposite, I mean, do you really think anyone would have bought action figures from Batman Begins before the movie came out? I mean kids would be like
” Hey, who bought me this Michael Caine action figure? And why the hell is he in a tuxedo? This gift sucks mom!”
No, there is a path that all things must follow… or is there? I submit to you, five things that need to turn around and work from Z to A. Like the mighty salmon swimming back to their rivers to breed, I too must fight the bears, rocks and waterfalls to reach my home to die , but not before I leave you my legacy….
IN YOUR FACE CHARLIE MURPHY : FOUR THINGS TO REVERSE THE TIDE
1. The Anti Pizza
Everything is turning into pizza these days. Taco Pizzas. Barbeque Pizza. Thai Pizza. Hamburger Pizza. It’s time the pizza took it’s rightful place on the culinary throne as the dominat food for fat people. Think about it. Pizza Hamburger :Two all pizza patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.
2. Set the scores of a game and make the teams play to that score
Use the Vegas numbers to assign the outcome of a game and have the team who reaches their projected score first, win! Why not? With the low overall average intelligence of athletes, this is bound to be a laugh.
3. Make an ordinary phrase popular
“Ridonculous” ? “Broham”? “Epic Fail”. These are idiotic it’s time we turned ” Excuse me, can you tell me where the bathroom is? ” into the next big thing. One day, I’m going to yell out ” There is a hair in my salad” and the crowd will go wild.
4. Have movie reviewers review movies that don’t exist
So, Roger Ebert is like ” this movie is the best movie I’ve seen all year. _____ gives a performance that’s beyond words, transcending his peers into the upper echelon along side Ben Kingsley’s Gandhi and Marlon Brando’s Vito Corleone” except… this movie isn’t out yet. When Hollywood decides to actually produce the movie, they already know it’s gold! Why? Cause look at the reviews, they’re brilliant!
Catch the Fever
The dawn of a new day is upon us. The asian male will finally match his female counterparts and become desirable to people other than Asians. For so long we’ve been ignored but now, now our time has come. Watch out ladies.
Catch the Fever : Five Reasons why you should dump your “man” for an Asian manchild
1) You can be the center of attention. Nothing sticks out more than a non-Asian in a group of Asians. Do you know what kind of respect your Asian boyfriend will get for dating you?
” Woah, I heard Jason/David/Michael Chen/Liu/Wu/Kim/Ngyuen/Vu/Patel is dating a white/black/latino/dwarf girl ! “
” No way!?!? How did he pull that off ? She’s so hot/fit/passionate/short!”
” I don’t know man but his parents will be so sad/angry/furious/confused “
You’ll be a queen. In fact, this is your only chance to be considered “exotic”. Look at Bruce Lee’s wife. Before she met Bruce Lee, she was just a white girl , now she’s ” Mrs. Bruce Lee..you know that white lady”. That’s a step up if you ask me.
2) You can mold us into whatever you want. We have no idea what to do, we barely know what to do with our own women but you, you’re different. If it’s expected that we wait on you hand and foot, we’ll do it because we don’t know better. Cook for you everyday? Sure, why not, isn’t that what we’re suppose to do? We’re an empty bowl ready to accept all the crap you can throw at us. Our ignorance is your gain!
3) Beautiful. Half-Asian. Children.
4) With the world downsizing to save money or to save the environment, why not downsize to a smaller man? Very few of us are taller than 6′0 and we’re not terribly overweight thanks to a diet that consists mainly of leftover parts you, a non Asian, refuse to eat. Besides, we’re environmentally friendly since our near hairless bodies combined with our disdain for grooming requires far less products to maintain. It’s easier than mowing a lawn.
5) Everyone wants to be with an Asian girl, yet who consistently gets more Asian girls? That’s right, Asian guys. Come on ladies, experience what Asian girls have known for years ….
the morning routine
a.
Turn on computer
reply to mail. bad grammar!?!
awaken. rewrite
b.
sit and read the news
bowels like Japanese train
nine o’clock. must poop
c.
a healthy breakfast?
must fix high cholesterol
drive to buy donuts
d.
Braeswood to brown lot
Broken struts. Old car. pot holes
old roads are fun. WEEEEEE!
Poop has changed
Poop has changed.
It’s no longer about sitting,crying and stinking. It’s an endless series of proxy poops fought by everyone.
Poop and it’s consumption of food has become a well oiled machine.
Poop has changed.
-Solid Snake ( sort of )
Bidets. Quadruple quilted moisturized tissues. Stink-less gas. Magazine Racks. This is not the poop I know. Poop deserves a new name, a new moniker to encapsulate it’s new identity. Poop has changed.
Top 5 new Euphemisms for Poop :
1. an audience with the king
2. the lowest common denominator
3. disco
4. twittering
5. gentrification
10 adjectives for food
Let’s be honest, I really don’t have anything important to say. I’m not bringing any new ideas that are able to shift the course of man away from the steaming pile of shit that we’re destined to land face first in. However, I can write lists and write lists I shall. Ah yes, the mighty list. Why spend hours explaining your thoughts through a carefully crafted, rational explanation when you can instead write a few numbered sentences ? It’s not my fault if they don’t get it, the list wasn’t meant for them. So it begins again :
10 Adjectives for Food
Remember when food was just delicious or tasty? Now food has gone beyond taste and turned into an experience among two beings : you and the food. It’s as if we’re not eating a hamburger, but a small hamburger shaped being with feelings and needs, just like you and me. These little food beings don’t just appeal to your sense of taste and smell, but they charm you and woo you in ways that only a woman , or perhaps a very cute small puppy, should. Food has evolved ( not literally, that would be scary ) and so should the words used to describe them. I submit to you, 10 words that should be used to describe food
1. Vengeful ( thank you Alex )
2. remorseful
3. impatient
4. contentious
5. adorable
6. loquatious
7. lethargic
8. erogenous
9. erroneous
10. acrimonous
a lot of nothing
Introduction : 
When you’re an Asian male and you grow out your hair, you’re going to look like Bruce Lee. Doesn’t matter if you’re fat, skinny, short, tall , pale or any of the combinations of Asian we can get : you look like Bruce Lee. Especially to black people.
Transition :
I really don’t like fan boys. Sure everyone hates the video game fanboy and even more so the Apple fanboy, but I’m talking about the personal fanboy. The guy who loves everything you do. I personally don’t have that because no amount of love will ever cover my general distaste for things. In fact, my true fanboy would actually have to scrutinize and hate all aspects of me to truly love me. It’s a tricky paradox that will never happen. Also people who constantly make the “best/worst _____. ever. ” statement really bother me. This has nothing to do with those people fan boys but they do.
Tension :
I’ve figured out the secret to the fob squat. It’s a perfect storm of the gene pool’s shitty alleles
a. the infamous “turnip” legs – strong legs from the knees down. helps us plant, much like a radish.
b. pancake asses – watch out white girls, this allows us keep the weight over our flat feet keeping us from falling back
c. thin upper bodies – effectively lowering our center of mass
d. long torsos – for perfect 50:50 weight ratio ( much like a race car )
e. flat feet – evenly distributed weight plus no arch = more grip, much like racing slicks.
to summarize in picture form :
the sum of these
equals
compelling.
Resolution :
Nike Soccer has the best commercials :
Calvin Murphy is insane
Fixing your own phone is difficult
