clap for me research monkey
Why Pele is king of the kitchen…to think, tattoo time today!
ah tattoos! the conformist’s youthful rebellion! sure, it’ll look like absolute crap once you put on 10 pounds or age 5 years but for the time being, it’s the best 300 dollars you’ll spend and it’s the cheapest and therefore the most exciting way to get hepatitis. it’s been 8 years since I’ve wanted to get a tattoo. Every year I promised that if I kept thinking about it, that would get one. sure, i don’t have the looks of your typical tattoo-ie… tattooine? but at least it won’t be a tramp stamp or anything tribal or ridiculously corporate ( cough cough air jordan )
possible left forearm :
פְּתַח-פִּיךָ שְׁפָט-צֶדֶק; וְדִין, עָנִי וְאֶבְיוֹן.
somewhere on the back/side
shoulder :
Quote of the Day
“ That’s not a good feeling right there …”
- Survivalist/Ninja Bear Grylls after slipping and nearly falling to his death
random thoughts
Things that have been swimming in my head :
1. Recreational ice skating is one of the best spectator activities. Everyone skates slowly and awkwardly around a ring in the same direction, never taking anything but left turns. The parents are only there to watch children fall and crash into the side boards. It is the NASCAR of outside activities.
2. FOX has the worst college football theme. It cheesy over the top gladiator music that fits too well with the Longhorn band’s cheesy over the top cowboy costumes.
3. After watching the BCS games on FOX, I no longer care about the new Dodge Ram with it’s “rambox” and ability to jump through burning/exploding barns in the middle of the dessert. Nor do I care about the new F150 with it’s towing control or the crazy smart engineers that designed it. However I do want to drive the new 370Z through a hazy tunnel and I would like to eat my carry on luggage that consists of oil, salt and white corn.
4. When I die, I would like to be buried in a granite mausoleum that has all my accomplishments etched into it’s side ala Roland Burris. It will be one foot tall and have “had a badonkadonk ” on the side. Courier will be my choice of font.
5. Why did Billy Corgan shave his head? Did he see the batboy and think, ” that’s a good look! ” ?
6. I will no longer buy blue toilet bowl tablets. The unnatural blue color of the water combined with the miscellaneous ____ that come out of my body make for an even more unnatural and sickly looking color. I don’t like it very much. Plus the tablets break up and clog the channels so I don’t get a satisfying flush.
7. Charlie Rose has the best interviews. I mean what does a 67 year old white guy have in common with Danger Mouse, Conan O’Brien and Jack White? Plus , that all black background is serious business. You don’t go onto Charlie Rose to mess around, it’s game time.
I miss Jeff Buckley
Sure I didn’t get into him until after he died but his otherworldly voice brings me chills at the 4:52 mark… more Buckley, less Jonas Brothers
Hockey
The best thing I read today :
There is a certain etiquette that must be followed for fans that wish to throw octopuses onto the ice.
Runner up : An ad at my complex’s bulletin board in which someone is selling a “Single Sofa” … think about it.
History’s Greatest
I don’t know about you, and by you, I mean me, but you/I seem to get a lot of e-mails from people who think they’re contacting another you who actually isn’t you/me. That’s right, I speak of the ever important but COMPLETELY significant period that lies between my first and last name in my G-Mail account. Without it I might a biostatician , a soldier off in Iraq or some sort of middle school chess player. Either way, it is now time to compile a list of the greast me’s and why me/I and greater then them/us.
ALL ABOARD THE RANKING TRAIN :
Runner up :
He could be the best of us all. Or the bringer of doom.
Fourth Place
We are a proud person with an honorable name. This crap won’t fly.
Third Place
Clearly a great man who has accomplished much, but move aside pops, the future is for the young.
Second- Tie
what a magnificent beard. His facial hair prowless can only be matched by the man who contributed to this
The one to rule them all
My God! His Hair. The waves , the volume. It speaks to me. It nutures me. it… it .. it completes me
death by FOB snacks
I’m going to die, covered in a mountain of these soy sauce flavored seaweed wrapped rice snacks.
No one will try to revive me because my breath smells too bad from eating them.
The secret ingredient ? Cocaine. Possibly “love” but mostly cocaine.
At the Dna Replication In
When you spend your time reading about DNA Replication and protein synthesis you end up learning a lot about initiation. For most people this isn’t a problem, but for me, it leads to a three minute distraction in which I try to clear the song Initiation by At the Drive-In out of my head. Ah yes, nothing mixes quite so well like post-hardcore rock and bacterial genetics
Talkin’ about… thug love
What is thug love ?!?! I mean, I understand the idea : a girl and a guy, both presumibly ” thug” , meet in a bar/party/club/airline bathroom and proceed to go back home/penthouse/the next bathroom stall and yadda yadda. What boggles the mind is that emcees think that these kind of lyrics are effective. As an Asian American who grew up in white suburbia, I feel it necessary to present to you the definitive collection of thug love rhymes. Also, because this is a family friendly blog , and by that I mean no one reads this but one day I might have to put this on my CV as a background check, I’ve creatively editted the lyrics.
1 ) Lil Wayne – “Grown Man”
“Now I don’t really hit the club but tonight I’ll make an exception
For some reason I can’t seem to keep my eyes out your direction
I’m lookin’ at you so hard, I could probably catch a charge
Feelin’ the way you walk when you move yo booty applaud”
Yeah, that’s nasty. She sounds like she has gas problems.
2. Kayne West - ” The New Work Out Plan”
” Maybe one day girl we can ‘engage in sexual realtions’
So you can brag to all your homies now
But I still mess with a big girl if you ain’t fit girl I’ll hit girl “
This man has no standards, so if he hits on you, probably means you meet his only standard : being alive.
3) Talib Kweli- ” Won’t you Stay”
“Ladies you ever felt growing away
By your man
Asking “Baby, won’t you stay?”
He chilling with his crew
He should be building with you
<later in the song>
Gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go”
Wait… what?!?!
4) David Banner – ” Play”
” …”
5) Jordan Knight – ” Give it to you”
“It’s creepin around in your head
me holding you down in my bed
You don’t have to say a word
I’m convinced you want this”
Ok ok, so yes, he’s hardly an Emcee and even worse he’s not even thug, however, nothing says ” we get it” like white guys copying black guys. As hard as Mr. Jordan ( circled in blue ) tries, he fails miserably and comes off sounding like court testimony. What’s creepin around in your head? That’s the GHB. Me holding down in your bed? yeah… getting creepier. ” You don’t have to say a word ” creepy level increasing? ” I’m convinced you want this” , CREEPY WARP FACTOR 10! You’ve gone from thug love to a disgusting criminal offense accompanied by plenty of jail time in which you too, can experience the pleasures of having someone convincing themselves that ” you want this”.
Don’t hurt me GF
So, ever since I was a tiny fat kid, I’ve always enjoyed the girl fronted rock band. I don’t know why, I mean, they’re most aren’t all that good. It’s like the WNBA, you respect the girls for doing what the guys can but if you can’t dunk the ball or block someone or occasionally go into the stands and punch a fan, something isn’t up to par with the men’s game. However, every stage of my life , there has been some sort of girl fronted rock band that I’ve absolutely adored. So without further adieu and hopefully without any sort of patronizing chauvinistic writing, I submit to you :
Please don’t hurt me, GF : the girl rock stars I adored
1. The Breeders, Kim Deal :I was a fat awkward, loud and naive child. I was too fat and too awkward to really understand what this song was about. It’s like when you have a little kid who goes around cursing, it’s cute for a while but then you realize what’s actually going on and then you’re mortified :
2. The Brilliant Green, Tomoko Kawase : Ok, so every asian goes through that ” I love everything Japanese” phase. At least I think we all do. Anyways, sure most of our grandparents and great grandparents harbor some resentment towards the Japanese and sure, deep down inside no one really needs one of these , but a tiny densely populated country lead to lots of super super cute and super super adorable thing so why not a fun band as well
Did I mention Tomoko is 33 and married to the bass guitarist ? no matter.
3. Sarge, Elizabeth Elmore : If elementary school was a light spring shower of uncomfortableness, middle school was a monsoon of awkwardness. Sure, Elizabeth Elmore couldn’t sing all that well but she had an advantage! She could play GUITAR! Take that Kim, where is your mind now!?!?! Everyone knows that bass guitarists are one step below the drummers. But yes, forget that her voice is shrill and not all that great, for me a , a middle school student unaware of the acne filled terror that high school would bring, Elizabeth Elmore was queen. A funny side note, I had all these songs by Sarge on a cassette tape ( remember those? ) that I recorded of 91.7 but it wasn’t till college that I learned who actually sung them… that just screams “winner.”
Side note. Ms. Elmore actually had a law degree by the time I got into college, so I’m sure if she really cared, she could sue me for being creepy.
4. Kelly Clarkson
For the people who know me, I have a rich deep baritone voice, not unlike the hypothetical love child of Barry White and Garrison Keillor. When you take those guys to go sing karaoke ( trust me, I have ) the first thing they sing is Since You Been Gone which , with those kinds of chocolaty voices, can only be sung in falsetto. All of it. This is all about being who you’re not, for me it’s about shaking of my million dollar voice in exchange for a gut wrenching, gender bending soprano voice. It’s just that good.
Runner up :
Mandy Moore. Don’t ask me to explain.
