10 completely true but utterly meaningless reasons why soccer is king.

1. Remember those ESPN commercials about how soccer momentarily stopped a civil war in the Ivory Coast ? Or the importance of soccer during the apartheid years of South Africa?  Yea.. all true. What has football done? Caused a bunch of idiots to make it rain in a strip club and shoot themselves in the leg because they were wearing terrycloth pants.

2. No physical freaks. The only freak is Peter Crouch and he knows it. When asked what he’d be if he didn’t play soccer, he replied ” A  virgin.”

3.  No commercials during the game. I don’t want to see anything related to Go-Daddy.com. Ever.

4. the Doge Challenger commercial in which a Robin Williams look alike dresses like George Washington and while driving a Challenger and chasing the British. Eat it Robert Green.

5.  No stupid seven game series. No meaningless 162 game season. No obscure “tuck” rule. It’s one game, you lose, you cry… and you will cry. You win, you cry… and you will cry.

6. Beautiful women love soccer players. The uglier you are, the better your WAG can be i.e. the Peter Crouch rule

7.  No lumbering fat people. Serious. I’ve seen the butt cracks of too many professional athletes.

8. While soccer is notorious for floppers, you can actually get a yellow for flopping. Happens all the time. It’s particularly funny when someone who is a notorious flopper gets a card and is actually hurt. When’s the last time you saw Scola/Dirk/Ginobili get thrown out for flopping? Never.

9.  No annoying announcer to tell you to clap your hands, get loud or do the chicken dance. We have our own chants and they’re badass. Look at this one in reference to former England captain John Terry’s affair with his teammates girlfriend

Mrs. Lampard’s going down
going down going down
Mrs. Lampard’s going down
on John Terry

10.  The freekick wall tradition of covering the wedding vegetables. Good, practical, common sense.

1. Velveeta “cheese”

Invented : Monroe , NY

Scariest “ingredient” : beef and pork gelatin, which makes this baby unkosher

Desirability : this nacho cheese! this my cheese.

For those of you who don’t know, cheese is made almost entirely of coagulated milk proteins. Notice I didn’t say ” made entirely of rendered gelatin from the bones of pigs and cows “. Think about it, have you ever had pig cheese? Nope. So why is there pig in this ” cheese” ? In fact, it’s so uncheese like it’s labeled as a cheese product, much like how mucus is a flu product.  However, like much of Americana, Velveeta’s sentimental value trumps is food value. Think of it as the mid-90s Ford Mustang : it’s ugly and not very good but deep down inside, we all secretly want to have it.

2. Hot Dogs

Invented : possibly Coney Island , NY

Scariest “ingredient” : all of it is made via ” advance meat recovery “

Desirability : for me, some where between sacrificing my first born child and blasphemy

Ok, so we’re talking hot dogs. Not sausages, not Vienna sausages. We’re not talking about an sort of processed meat stuck in an intestinal casing, we’re talking about the skinless, pre-boiled, nitrate filled tubes of goodness known as hot dogs. So first things first. You can eat these things raw as they are precooked, a sure sign of their American heritage. Second, you can buy skinless hot dogs, which look nearly identical to their Gentile brothers. How these skinless dogs hold their shape during the cooking process is beyond me but only a food substance that has had it’s remaining food properties ripped away can do such a trick. Did I mention the advanced meat recovery , which is a slaughterhouse process by which the last traces of usable meat are removed from bones and other carcass materials after the primal cuts have been carved off manually ? But man… they’re good. Top it with some Velveeta and wash it down with some…

3.  Diet Sodas

Invented : Brooklyn , NY

Scariest “ingredient” : artificial sweeteners that make you fat !?!?

Desirability : I need the caffeine but none of the calories

This stuff is awesome. I will not lie, I love my Diet Hansen’s soda, which apparently means I’m tree hugging tofu eating never take a shower hippie who has now gone corporate.  I’ve actually gotten used to the taste of whatever sugar substitute they use, in fact, I would say I prefer Coke Zero to Coke and Diet Mountain Dew to Mountain Dew. However, with this love of sugar free sugary drinks means that I’m a) a 40 year old woman or b) in danger of gaining some substantial weight. Apparently some studies, studies conducted at UTSPH , have shown that diet soda drinkers tend to gain more weight. Is it due to eating habits? probably. Is it due to physiological stimulation of having calorie-less food ? Likely. Is it due to the fact that artificial sweeteners  are the creation of Satan himself? Definitely. Speaking of the dark overlord….

4. Fat Free Ice cream

Invented : Third Circle of Hell, Hades

Scariest “ingredient” : the lack of fat

Desirability : between watching an episode of Oprah and watching an episode of Ellen

The essence of cream is fat.  More so than any of the previous entries, this is a “food” that is intentionally misleading.  Can you roast me a duck but keep it vegetarian ?  It’s that absurd. And have you tasted this stuff? It takes like someone put foam in between two scoops of air.

Five Annoying Things about Watching Sports

1. Jon Gruden – Monday Night Football

Before he did color commentary for ESPN, Gruden was a badass take-no-crap from anyone kind of coach. His pale skin and ginger hair gave the viewer an accurate and measurable way of determining  Gruden’s rage. Allow me to illustrate :

Notice that the how the redness of his face and the wildness of his hair directly correlates to Gruden’s rage.  But that’s not what I dislike about Gruden, it’s his commentary. Watch Gruden break down the keys to a game and you’ll inevitably run into his famous ” I just said the most extraordinary thing in the world ” face.  It’s a face that tells you

” Hey, I might just be a crazy former NFL head coach, but I just read that teleprompter without giggling like a little girl”

It’s a ” Hey Mom, look at me I’m on TV ” face. And it’s just awful

2. Dave Matthews Band – College Gameday

No disrespect to Dave Matthews Band, but who listens to them anymore? I mean what self respecting college kid listens to a band who reached the height of their popularity while they were still in elementary school? I mean, remember when I was in college and you’d go to a party thrown by white people ( it’s only white people who do this by the way ) and someone decides to throw on some 311…. or Third Eye Blind… or No Doubt? Sure it’s all good and fun but then you ask yourself, ” Hey, why are there only white people here ? ” before deciding to sneak out to avoid the inevitable ” Say something in Chinese bro! ” request.

3. Lou Holtz : College Gameday

I love you Mr. Holtz and I have tremendous respect for your career, especially considering you were able to leave behind your childhood as the richest child in Richville and guide four different programs to Top 20 rankings.  However, this is purely aesthetics : Mr. Holtz, your hair color matches your eye glasses frame color.. and it weirds me out. His glasses are some how an extension of his hair , which both are some sort of unnatural shade of yellow. It’s just wrong, get the man some silver frames… and dye his hair white to give him that ” I’m the old sage of the FBS” look.

4. Tommy Smyth – ESPN Soccer

Mr. Smyth ” wit ah whyyyyyyy”  is really annoying. It’s just that simple.

5.   Dave Matthews Band – College Gameday

I mean, Dave Matthews !!! Come on! Really think the music department is run by some mid-20s something frat boy, you know the kind, the one who worked the hardest to get into the frat and then let the whole world know that he was a part of Tri Delt.. or  Delta Omega or Chi Square or whatever. The guy who would wear a visor, button up college logo/colors shirt ( you know the kind your Dad would wear… if your dad wasn’t an engineer who didn’t care about football ) khakis and deck shoes while chugging a Bud/Coors/Natty Lite/Miller/Lonestar. The guy who’s a bit overweight, has a really well groomed five o’clock shadow. That’s the guy who’s doing the music. Not to be a music snob or anything but Dave Matthews doesn’t even get play time on Top 40s stations. All I ask is relevance while I watch my season highlights… I mean… COME ON! DAVE MATTHEWS!?!?!?!!?

Five Reasons Doctors Lost my Respect

1) Appearance :

Micro miniskirt ? Cool. Attractive young doctor ? Also cool. Micro miniskirt + Attractive Young Doctor = impending lawsuit for incompetence.  Dress like a professional for God’s sake. I really don’t think someone who spent 4 years in med school, 3+ years in residency and passed their boards really wants to be looked at in the same way as a Hooters waitress. This isn’t Halloween damnit ! You can be sexy doctor any where else except WHEN YOU’RE ACTUALLY A DOCTOR.

2) Med Students :

Oh the hive mind of the medical students. It’s amazing watching them emerge from the woodwork and collectively decimate a table of food. Locusts. That’s not the strangest part. Nothing is more disconcerting than wait in line and over hearing a med student repeat the words ” bro” and “trashed” in faux Cali-boy style. You really wonder how well they’re going to be able to diagnose the strange lump on your right testicle.  Not only that, their in ability to understand that other people require the use of the stairs/sidewalk/hall/lounge/door/elevator really brings into question their bedside manner.

3) Language :

Phrases/Words I’ve heard from respected Doctors :

a) bone

b) what the F

c) douchebag

d) king of the p***y

e) where are my keys ?

4) This guy :

Allow me to explain the importance of Debakey , there are two statues in Methodist Hospital : Jesus and Debakey ( if Debakey wasn’t just a bust, but a full sized bronze statue like Jesus, my guess is he would be bigger than Jesus )  Every building and every organization has a Debakey Hall/Room/conference center/vending machine. The man the patron saint of the world’s largest Medical Center…. and he’s gone. Remember when you got back a test and the class average was a 30 yet the highest score was a 95 ? Weren’t you upset about the person who got a 95? Then weren’t you crippled  by the fact that if that person didn’t a 95, the average would have been even lower ? That’s what Debakey did. By sheer will ( and some performance enhancing drugs ) he pulled and supported the whole profession with his amazing accomplishments. He was the curve breaker that made everyone look so good.

5) Politics

22 of our 435 elected Congressional officials are in the health care profession and yet… none of them were on the Senate Finance Committee to passed the Health Care bill this week. Granted only two Senators are doctors but the closest thing to a health care provider on the committee was  a vet. A VET! Don’t you want a doctor in that committee to give you an idea of what costs what and what actually goes on ? What does that really mean ?  a) they’re incompetent politicians who can’t get in the discussion to deal with something that they’re an expert in or b) they’re such horrible doctors that their opinions are no better than the guy who neutered my dog 10 years ago  ?

I’m not going to dignify that with an answer  : five small signs of civil society

1. disposable toilet seat covers  – never again will your ass indirectly caress another person’s ass

2. bus drivers who don’t wait for people – the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one

3. Jabbawockeez advertising Gatorade – only a society that has solved all its problems will deem choreographed dancing  to be on par with dunking a basketball from the free throw line

4. Musicians turned movie stars – everyone deserves a chance to make their dreams come true, even Common and Will.I.Am

5. Instant oatmeal that takes longer to cook than normal oatmeal – uncivil society wouldn’t accept such nonsense

White People or FOBs

white people love t-shirts with “clever” slogans v fobs love shirts with “English” slogans

FOBs love shirts with poorly written English phrases.  There is a whole site out there dedicated to the English stumblings of unshipped FOBs. Where do they get this from? White people and their love for “ironic” or “clever t-shirts “.  Have you ever been to bustedtees or Urban Outiftters ?   It’s bad enough to hear people quote the “latest” catch phrase but to put it on a shirt? I mean FOBs have the good sense to not repeat these quotes because a) they’re grammatical landmines that make little sense b) communism or robots are causes too important to be distracted by such trivialities. But what does this say about say about white people ?   A) They love Andy Samberg ( ever seen a “i’m on a boat” or ” mr. pibb + redvines = crazy delicious” shirt … yeah.. lame )   and B) they’re the last to know about anything when it comes to the internet. The speed at which things happen on the internet is too fast for any T-shirt company.  In the time it takes a company to print a shirt with Fatso the Piano playing the cat, ten new cats have risen to fame and fallen from grace.  Your shirt is already 10 cats behind, and to a cat that  like 70 cats behind…. you heard me.

White people and FOBs fear large groups of non white people

When white people see a large group of FOBs, what do they think ? An engineering graduate student get together… and you know why? Cause they’re right.  When FOBs see a large group of white people, what do they think? This is must be a filming for an episode of Friends or some misconceived MTV reality show. What do FOBs think when they see a large group of non white people? I better run to my car or I will be robbed/beaten/forced toplay a game of basketball/soccer. The global economy sucks except for one sector of American exports. You know what that is? Racism.  You know who their chief buyer is? FOBs.  Like all good American phenomenons, FOBs  have soaked up racism through television and movies that white people have created.  FOBs have already mastered the art of bad pop music and government partisanship ( i.e. Taiwan ) , it should be no surprise that irrational racism is taking so well.

White people want to be hairless vs. Asians are hairless

Body shaving is a foreign concept for FOBs. It’s not just because of a culture that doesn’t care for  personal grooming but a result of years of genetic breeding that has essentially phased out the body hair gene for most FOBs.  When you live in a country of 1.6 billion, the drag created by extra body hair makes it more difficult to manage your way through crowded bicycled filled streets.  However, go to any gym and find the white guy who is most into himself. He’s probably wearing a cutoff shirt, perhaps a baseball cap and definitely grunts too much while lifting.  Look at his legs, what do you see ? RAZOR BUMPS!  To better illustrate this, I’ve found a delightful illustration. Everyone says that their dogs look like their masters and what better to generalize a represent a country of people than to find dogs named after them. Take a look at the two dogs : which one is the Chinese Crested Dog and which is the Scottish Terrier ? Checkmate. I mean how brilliant was that ? You ever wonder how Liu Xiang won the Gold in Athens? Your answer is right there.

Star Wars Episode VII: The Poisoning of our Youth

4. Intergalactic Diplomacy vs Shooting First

Star Trek VI : The Undiscovered Country tells a tale of how the Enterprise and her crew of retirees attempt to thwart an intergalactic war between the Federation ( i.e. the Galactic United Nations ) and the Klingons ( i.e. guys who tan too much while repeatedly watching 300 in German).  It’s intergalactic diplomacy at it’s best!  The importance of peace between two old enemies is far more important than the personal feud of one Captain James Tiberius Kirk. A good example for our children :  fight with your words, not with your photon torpedoes.

You know what Star Wars would advocating? Shooting first.  According to the ” Han Shot First” Wikipedia page :

“In the original theatrical version of the film, Solo proceeds to shoot Greedo from under the table. Greedo dies without firing a shot.”

What is that teaching our kids? You don’t like that guy stealing your Wookie? Shoot him in the face when ever he looks at it ! Don’t like that guy mocking your C3PO costume? Go on a preemptive nut kicking rampage! For shame…

3. Whores … whores everywhere

Fetishes going onto their logical conclusion

The Leia Slave costume is every nerds fantasy.  I have no problem with this, it’s still a very ” sexy” costume. However, will the average Star Wars fan be able date much less converse with someone who can actually fit into that costume? Probably not. I mean at least Star Trek showed us what was within our reach : women in lycra jump suits. While I’m sure there are plenty of women who can look good in the costume, it’s sending the wrong message to my fellow nerds.  People need to date on their same level. If Star Wars fans keep shooting for the moon, they’ll miss the glass covered road in front of them. Then who will seed the next generation of IT consultants and software engineers ? The beautiful people? NO! They rejected us in high school…. why would they help us now?

2. The Jedi Mind Trick : Pill-less Roofies

” Hindsight : Those were the droids you were looking for”

This is clearly a huge threat.  There isn’t even anything remotely close to this in Star Trek. You think a bunch of boys who grew up and were trained by mostly men ( and the occasional green puppet ) are going to go around tricking clone soldiers into believing that those were not the droids they were looking for?  Hell no.  It’s called a Jedi Mind TRICK. Not a Jedi Mind Suggestion or a Jedi Mind ” This will help you get out of a tricky spot”, no, it’s a trick… not an illusion, Micheal, but a trick. You know what rhymes with trick? PRICK . If rhyming has taught us anything, we should be expecting a bunch of douchey padawans going around trying to find a bunch of Padmes to show them their “light saber”.  Disgusting.

1. Incest : Ma’ that Aint’ Right

“Trust me, Obi Wan said it was a good idea..”

Checkmate. Pictures speak louder than words, but sometimes you need to throw in some words for extra emphasis. This… this is wrong on so many levels.  Why would you do this to us Luke? Being the savior of the Jedis and restoring the Light Side of the Force isn’t good enough? Got to dabble into the forbidden arts?

Three Haikus about the Mos Def Concert

a

Am I the whitest?

It’s okay! They will not care.

Relief! White skaters!

b.

Two songs. Switch artist.

Five minute intermissions.

Hair management ads.

c.

Bilal sings with soul.

Ledisi sings with passion.

Mos sings with mumbles

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1. I’m enjoying Yank  Crime by Drive Like Jehu

2. The song in the new Altima commercial reminds me of Chocolate Rain

3.  Do people become weirder because they’re lonely or are they lonely because they’re weird ?

4. Prince of Persia is a gorgeous game. Rumor has it that Elika was modeled after Natalie Portman , which explains why I think she’s attractive … despite being not real

5. sciencewins.blogspot.com is not my site. in fact, it has little to nothing to do with science, not that this has anything to do with science

6. My life loses all meaning after seeing this…

7. Why does no one sit next to me on the bus? Do I smell? Do I look mean, even with my big eyes?

8. Why don’t FOBs move to the back of the bus when more people are trying to get on ? They just stand there and cause this horrible compression in the front… or they could sit next to me

9. I’ve disabled comments or at least I think I have

Formula 1 Racing

I’m dead serious. Allow me to present to you, an air tight argument of why our future lies in the curvy tracks of Formula 1.

1. We’re short? Check

Lewis Hamilton ? He’s 5’7.  Michael Schumacher ? 5’8. Mika Hakkinen ? 5’10 but he’s Finnish, meaning he’s a tiny Finn. Go to Chinatown or any place where there is cheap and possibly illegal gambling and you’ll see a sea of Asian men, all under 5’10. This is our genetic gift. It allows our women to stay small and disguise their legality when it comes to going to the movies , which strangely enough, allows us to be cheap by paying “student” prices.

2. No need for physical anything? Check

We’re good at sitting on our ass all day and barely moving our arms. Who is the best Starcraft player? A Korean guy. Who are the best World of Warcraft gold miners? Chinese guys.  Who are the fastest assembly line workers? Chinese women. What do they have in common? They sit and move only their arms, never turning their head to socialize with fellow workers or the rest of society. No, eyes straight ahead… even a horse needs blinders. Further more, power steering and a demand to be light means muscle mass is not only useless, it’s unwanted.

3. More beautiful half Asian half European children ? Check.

4. Gaudy painted cars with ugly racing suits ? Check.

We started the tuner scene in America, hell the even named the cars “Ricers” due to our love of 2.0 L Hondas and that delicious white food staple.  It’s all about out doing each other and the best way to do it is to have you and your car covered in meaningless corporate logos. Besides, we’ll corner the market! Who wouldn’t want to wear a fire suit covered in Sony, Samsung and Kikkoman logos?

5. Remove the negative stereotype that Asians can’t drive ? Check

Have you been to Chinatown ? Better yet, have you been to China ?  We can’t drive.  Once we conquer F1 ( and maybe NASCAR if the good ole boys let us play ) we’ll finally be able to show the world that all the “racing” stickers on our Civics are directly proportional to our driving ability.

Words of advice :

1. Resist the urge to yell ” Vtec just kicked in, Yo! , … especially now that Honda is involved in F1 racing

2.  Easy on the champagne after you win. Your dehydrated state plus the dreaded Asian flush is not a good combination. Also if you happen to compete in the Indy 500 ( yes IndyCar isn’t F1 but it’s still open wheel ) avoid the milk when you win. If you’re Asian, chances are you lactose intolerant.  Use Soy Milk, won’t cause you to die and it boots your Asian street cred.