America loves its doctors. I mean whose heart pumped a little bit faster when ever you hear the name, C. Everett Koop ? Do you know what? Doctors are overrated. Sure they do great things like perform appendectomies with pocket knives or manage to give sage wisdom to their sons Theo, but really, they deserve only a smidge more admiration than the guy who is able to replace all four of my struts and realign my suspension for under $400.  Over the past five years working/studying in Medical schools, my admiration for doctors has dropped from ” bronze gods plucked from heaven to cure the world of it’s ills ” to the more appropriate ” look at this thing growing here, if you don’t know what it is , I’m sure some one else does “. How has this happened? How can the people I once worshiped and killed worked for suddenly fall to such a low level ? Here’s why, I present to you :

Five Reasons Doctors Lost my Respect

1) Appearance :

Micro miniskirt ? Cool. Attractive young doctor ? Also cool. Micro miniskirt + Attractive Young Doctor = impending lawsuit for incompetence.  Dress like a professional for God’s sake. I really don’t think someone who spent 4 years in med school, 3+ years in residency and passed their boards really wants to be looked at in the same way as a Hooters waitress. This isn’t Halloween damnit ! You can be sexy doctor any where else except WHEN YOU’RE ACTUALLY A DOCTOR.

2) Med Students :

Oh the hive mind of the medical students. It’s amazing watching them emerge from the woodwork and collectively decimate a table of food. Locusts. That’s not the strangest part. Nothing is more disconcerting than wait in line and over hearing a med student repeat the words ” bro” and “trashed” in faux Cali-boy style. You really wonder how well they’re going to be able to diagnose the strange lump on your right testicle.  Not only that, their in ability to understand that other people require the use of the stairs/sidewalk/hall/lounge/door/elevator really brings into question their bedside manner.

3) Language :

Phrases/Words I’ve heard from respected Doctors :

a) bone

b) what the F

c) douchebag

d) king of the p***y

e) where are my keys ?

4) This guy :

Allow me to explain the importance of Debakey , there are two statues in Methodist Hospital : Jesus and Debakey ( if Debakey wasn’t just a bust, but a full sized bronze statue like Jesus, my guess is he would be bigger than Jesus )  Every building and every organization has a Debakey Hall/Room/conference center/vending machine. The man the patron saint of the world’s largest Medical Center…. and he’s gone. Remember when you got back a test and the class average was a 30 yet the highest score was a 95 ? Weren’t you upset about the person who got a 95? Then weren’t you crippled  by the fact that if that person didn’t a 95, the average would have been even lower ? That’s what Debakey did. By sheer will ( and some performance enhancing drugs ) he pulled and supported the whole profession with his amazing accomplishments. He was the curve breaker that made everyone look so good.

5) Politics

22 of our 435 elected Congressional officials are in the health care profession and yet… none of them were on the Senate Finance Committee to passed the Health Care bill this week. Granted only two Senators are doctors but the closest thing to a health care provider on the committee was  a vet. A VET! Don’t you want a doctor in that committee to give you an idea of what costs what and what actually goes on ? What does that really mean ?  a) they’re incompetent politicians who can’t get in the discussion to deal with something that they’re an expert in or b) they’re such horrible doctors that their opinions are no better than the guy who neutered my dog 10 years ago  ?

It’s the little things in life that matter most.  Think about it, no one cares about hamburgers until a tiny amount of E.coli isn’t cooked away. Boom, tainted beef epidemic.  It’s not the fact that you had to use the bathroom, it’s the fact that you missed the toilet and instead hit the couch.  Minor details.  However, these minor details are things that separate us ( civil society ) from them ( Godless, hedonistic sociopaths ) But the Devil, as always, is in the details. If these details are so small, how do we know if people are about to shake our hand or severe our fingers to sell on the black market? I present to you …

I’m not going to dignify that with an answer  : five small signs of civil society

1. disposable toilet seat covers  – never again will your ass indirectly caress another person’s ass

2. bus drivers who don’t wait for people – the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one

3. Jabbawockeez advertising Gatorade – only a society that has solved all its problems will deem choreographed dancing  to be on par with dunking a basketball from the free throw line

4. Musicians turned movie stars – everyone deserves a chance to make their dreams come true, even Common and Will.I.Am

5. Instant oatmeal that takes longer to cook than normal oatmeal – uncivil society wouldn’t accept such nonsense

FOBs aren’t people, at least not recent FOBs or FOBs over the age of 40 are not people.  There, I’ve said it.  Their mannerisms, their inability to pick up facial cues or understand particular social situations.  It’s as if every science fiction robot came to life.  You know the situation : man makes robot, robot is confused by man, robot wants to learn to love and emote…. robot accidentally kills man.  Ah yes, the FOB …. almost human.  However the typical sci-fi robot really is a reflection of society and the creator as a whole.  Who dominates socity in the USA ? White people.  Bacon flavored vodka, the Hills, Sham-Wows. . . the Jonas Brothers …all horrible creations from the minds of the white man.  So what does the FOB say about his master? Plenty… and it’s not pretty. I present to you…

White People or FOBs

white people love t-shirts with “clever” slogans v fobs love shirts with “English” slogans

FOBs love shirts with poorly written English phrases.  There is a whole site out there dedicated to the English stumblings of unshipped FOBs. Where do they get this from? White people and their love for “ironic” or “clever t-shirts “.  Have you ever been to bustedtees or Urban Outiftters ?   It’s bad enough to hear people quote the “latest” catch phrase but to put it on a shirt? I mean FOBs have the good sense to not repeat these quotes because a) they’re grammatical landmines that make little sense b) communism or robots are causes too important to be distracted by such trivialities. But what does this say about say about white people ?   A) They love Andy Samberg ( ever seen a “i’m on a boat” or ” mr. pibb + redvines = crazy delicious” shirt … yeah.. lame )   and B) they’re the last to know about anything when it comes to the internet. The speed at which things happen on the internet is too fast for any T-shirt company.  In the time it takes a company to print a shirt with Fatso the Piano playing the cat, ten new cats have risen to fame and fallen from grace.  Your shirt is already 10 cats behind, and to a cat that  like 70 cats behind…. you heard me.

White people and FOBs fear large groups of non white people

When white people see a large group of FOBs, what do they think ? An engineering graduate student get together… and you know why? Cause they’re right.  When FOBs see a large group of white people, what do they think? This is must be a filming for an episode of Friends or some misconceived MTV reality show. What do FOBs think when they see a large group of non white people? I better run to my car or I will be robbed/beaten/forced toplay a game of basketball/soccer. The global economy sucks except for one sector of American exports. You know what that is? Racism.  You know who their chief buyer is? FOBs.  Like all good American phenomenons, FOBs  have soaked up racism through television and movies that white people have created.  FOBs have already mastered the art of bad pop music and government partisanship ( i.e. Taiwan ) , it should be no surprise that irrational racism is taking so well.

White people want to be hairless vs. Asians are hairless

Body shaving is a foreign concept for FOBs. It’s not just because of a culture that doesn’t care for  personal grooming but a result of years of genetic breeding that has essentially phased out the body hair gene for most FOBs.  When you live in a country of 1.6 billion, the drag created by extra body hair makes it more difficult to manage your way through crowded bicycled filled streets.  However, go to any gym and find the white guy who is most into himself. He’s probably wearing a cutoff shirt, perhaps a baseball cap and definitely grunts too much while lifting.  Look at his legs, what do you see ? RAZOR BUMPS!  To better illustrate this, I’ve found a delightful illustration. Everyone says that their dogs look like their masters and what better to generalize a represent a country of people than to find dogs named after them. Take a look at the two dogs : which one is the Chinese Crested Dog and which is the Scottish Terrier ? Checkmate. I mean how brilliant was that ? You ever wonder how Liu Xiang won the Gold in Athens? Your answer is right there.

I’m now at that age where more and more of my friends are geting married which inevitably leads to desolate and all consuming world of child rearing.  At my church alone, women are popping out babies left and right.  It’s as if the balance of pregnant women must be maintained : for every newly “seeded” woman , there is another who has just been “harvested”.  Something in the lunches they serve or maybe it’s the fact that kimchi is a well known aphrodisiac… might not be true.  Either way, we now have a surplus of generation Z-ers or AA-ers or something. What to do with these 6-10 lb bundles of joy?  Well, it’s not important what to do with them, as to what NOT to do with them.  So for the zero people who actually read this, I submit to you :

how not to raise your children: the Golden Rule

Do not encourage your child to be an engineer :

Do you know how many Asian engineers are out there ? Do we really need more ? Granted, engineering is a fine profession. It pays well, is relatively stable and it utilizes the dual Asian prowess of mathematical dexterity and subordination to white men. However, ask any three year old child ” What do you want to be when you grow up ? ” and “process engineer” or ” systems engineer” are words that don’t exist in their feeble vocabulary.  Not even the cool engineers like aerospace or mechanical engineering will come up.  Children and tweens are too young and too stupid to understand the necessity of job stability or steady work place advancement.

Consider this : we all reach a point in life where we can buy something we’ve been dreaming of for a long time : a new car.  This is your first new car, the one that you’ve been thinking about since you turned 16.  If you raise your child to be an engineer,they’ll buy a 2.0 L , 4 door champagne-colored Honda Accord.  Why ? Because it’s spacious, reliable and well built? No, it’s because they’ve given up on life and their hopes and dreams and have settled into a life  of beige.  Just like a engineer.

However, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have your little girls date an engineer.  What safer way to introduce your little girl into the world of dating then allowing her to date an engineer : a man who’s lack of creativity combined with his flatlined libido will ensure that her first date will be free of anything remotely close to interesting.  Perhaps a moderately price meal at a nation wide steakhouse followed by a documentary about the Cold War. Safe.

I mean really, are you threatened by this guy?

ah tattoos! the conformist’s youthful rebellion! sure, it’ll look like absolute crap once you put on 10 pounds or age 5 years but for the time being, it’s the best 300 dollars you’ll spend and it’s the cheapest and therefore the most exciting way to get hepatitis. it’s been 8 years since I’ve wanted to get a tattoo. Every year I promised that if I kept thinking about it, that would get one. sure, i don’t have the looks of your typical tattoo-ie… tattooine? but at least it won’t be a tramp stamp or anything tribal or ridiculously corporate ( cough cough air jordan )

possible left forearm :

פְּתַח-פִּיךָ שְׁפָט-צֶדֶק;    וְדִין, עָנִי וְאֶבְיוֹן.

somewhere on the back/side

shoulder :

I like cars.  I really do.  In fact, I might be a bit bold as to say that I’m a car enthusiast.  Sure I don’t know anything about engines ( I can’t tell you what engine displacement means ) and sure, I’m not some guy who can see a 196_ Chevy ____ with a 4__ small block and _____ and immediately fill in the blanks.  Inspite of my lack of technical knowledge, I think we can all agree that an owner of black 96′ Toyota Camry that’s missing all it’s hubcaps and has two broken doors surely knows a little something about cars. Furthermore, what exactly qualifies me to give my humble , but completely correct opinion?  Well, the following cars make me feel all sort of strange and exciting ways :

I mean come on, that’s got to mean something ? Right? Tiny little pictures of fantastic cars and I feel all goofy like a high school freshman?

Anyways, it’s time that I, in my infinite wisdom give you five perfectly good cars, perfectly wonderful cars that have been completely ruined by the people who drive them.  Yes, cars are an extension of you and if you are a hopeless inbred dimwit, then your car is a reflection of your dimwitted inbredness.  So, I present to you, my loyal audience of zero people ….

Zoom Zoom in the Boom Boom : A story of some cars

1. Infinity G35 :

Sports tuned exhaust. 298 hp v6.  0-60 mph in 5.4! I mean, what’s not to love. Well I’ll tell you.  AZNS.   It poached the title of the “Most AZN car” out from the greasy grasps of the Civic and old Lexus IS.  Go to SoCal and I’m sure this car is “hella” popular.  It’s a known fact that azns ruin everything : break dancing, Hip Hop, free boxers from the GAP and now cars!

2.  BMW M3

Wonderful car. Brilliant car.  Every RS4, every AMG C63 , every 3.0 IS or any four door sedan owes it’s life and it’s heritige to this car… and I just can’t stand it.   Every popped collar business student frat boy dreams of this car.  I assume it has something to do with the fact that the unique shape of the hood combined with the extra M3 badges allows the car to perfectly amplify the word “bro” or ” broham” through a bluetooth headset while traveling at 120 mph.  Dude, time for a keg stand bro!

3. Lexus RX series

It’s no secret that I hate SUVs. They’re big and useless and almost always haul around ridiculously big ( by big I mean fat ) and ridiculous stupid ( and by stupid I mean stupid ) owners. This car, this car is the worst.  It’s not driven around by men who want to feel all mighty as they drive in front of you and block your view of on coming traffic, no no, this car is driven by the wives of the fat and idiotic male owners.  Who’s more stupid, the person who leads or the person who says ” hey, that leader knows what he’s doing ! ” Yeah, besides, this guy drives it.

4. The new Acura TSX

Holy crap! It’s so damn ugly.

5. A King Ranch Ford

Some how, some way,  Ford has convinced you that for a few extra thousand dollars, you can partake in the  rough and tumble cowboy lifestyle while you drive your way to your office cubicle downtown where you wrangle up some TPS reports and possibly brew some Folgers over an open fire…. GIDDY UP!

a.

Turn on computer

reply to mail. bad grammar!?!

awaken. rewrite

b.

sit and read the news

bowels like Japanese train

nine o’clock. must poop

c.

a healthy breakfast?

must fix high cholesterol

drive to buy donuts

d.

Braeswood to brown lot

Broken struts. Old car. pot holes

old roads are fun. WEEEEEE!

Introduction :

When you’re an Asian male and you grow out your hair, you’re going to look like Bruce Lee. Doesn’t matter if you’re fat, skinny, short, tall , pale or any of the combinations of Asian we can get : you look like Bruce Lee. Especially to black people.

Transition :

I really don’t like fan boys. Sure everyone hates the video game fanboy and even more so the Apple fanboy, but I’m talking about the personal fanboy. The guy who loves everything you do. I personally don’t have that because no amount of love will ever cover my general distaste for things. In fact, my true fanboy would actually have to scrutinize and hate all aspects of me to truly love me. It’s a tricky paradox that will never happen. Also people who constantly make the “best/worst _____. ever. ” statement really bother me. This has nothing to do with those people fan boys but they do.

Tension :

I’ve figured out the secret to the fob squat. It’s a perfect storm of the gene pool’s shitty alleles

a. the infamous “turnip” legs – strong legs from the knees down. helps us plant, much like a radish.

b. pancake asses – watch out white girls, this allows us keep the weight over our flat feet keeping us from falling back

c. thin upper bodies – effectively lowering our center of mass

d. long torsos – for perfect 50:50 weight ratio ( much like a race car )

e. flat feet – evenly distributed weight plus no arch = more grip, much like racing slicks.

to summarize in picture form :

the sum of these

equals

compelling.

Resolution :

Nike Soccer has the best commercials :

Calvin Murphy is insane

Fixing your own phone is difficult

This weekend concluded Houston’s African themed International Festival ( I think the theme was “Out of Africa ” ) : a theme that covered native Ethiopian dancing, Nigerian food, a visibly bored Emeke Okafor as well as turkey legs, a Strawberry Shortcake inflatable play pen and a fake slave auction ( educational but someone what disconcerting )

Overall, not a bad time. Weather was nice. Food smelled good. Turkey legs are always good and so is beef suya. However, nothing kills a fun time like the visor wearing, collar popping, bud light drinking, fake tan greasing white boys ( cause they almost always are ) of your local fraternity. Sitting around, watching them and their hairless guts really really puts a dent into things. The world is full of these guys but we can be free. In fact, the only reason why these “men” exist is because of their female counterparts, the douchebaguettes ( not my word )

Women honestly should rule the world if not for their lack of ambition or inability to harness their feminine charms. Think about it. It’s perfectly acceptable, if not slightly humiliating, to be whipped. It happens to all nearly all men if they’re paying attention to their women. However, it’s perfectly unacceptable to do the same to a woman : that’s called mental and physical abuse and the government doesn’t put up with that shit.

Look at history and literature : Mark Antony and Cleopatra, Marc Anthony and JLo, the Trojan Wars, Oprah and Stedman, Posh and Becks. Whipped whipped and whippeder ( yes, I made that up ). These men only exist in the context of their women and so eloquently demonstrate the insane lengths men go to impress the fairer ( what a misnomer ) sex. Look at the Biblical fall of man, not only did woman first take the fruit, but convinced a perfect and sinless man to sin : it’s as if we were genetically inclined to be whipped. IN FACT WE ARE! Animal mating procedures is all about the male trying to impress the female, never the other way around.

We men have no recourse to this and so we’ll continue to live a life under female oppression, first from the matriarchal tyranny of our mothers to the inevitable scorn and disgust of our wives. This,in combination with our crippling stupidity, makes for a horrible horrible existence. So the next time you see a douchebag, sure, look at him with disgust and think about spitting in his face, but just remember to pity him, you’re one step away from joining him…..bro.

Nothing is less attractive than a 20 something year acting like they’re 13, worse still is when they of course look like they’re 13. Some where in some God forsaken place, someone decided that since Asians look 13 till they’re 30, why not act 13 till they’re 40. I don’t get it. Why the obsession with being cute ? Is that going to help attract a partner that isn’t a pedophile? Are you trying to bring back the confusion and awkwardness of someones first pubescent experience? I mean, nothing shrinks my nuts more then some of these :

It’s worse than a hyrda, it’s a kawaiidra! Like some sort of mythical androgynous monster it comes at you with an assortment of Vaseline smeared photos and high pitched obnoxious catch phrases. None of these things should be anyones object of desire….except for the cat… the cat is truly adorable (^_^)