As a ” left wing nut job ” , it’s my unpatriotic duty to hate and loathe all things America. Further more it’s more important to love all things European. NASCAR vs Formula 1/Rally.Our morbidly obese bulk whole sale shoppers vs their trim and tanned street market shoppers. Our love of pseudocelebrities vs their love of WAGS. But you know what, we do a lot of things better than the Europeans , the best of which is creating food like substances through the magic of chemistry. Think of it as an Easy Bake Oven for people who prefer their food to resemble real food than actually be food. Trust me, when nuclear winter strikes and the zombie apocalypse is upon us, a tube of meat flavored goo is going to be worth its weight in gold.
1. Velveeta “cheese”
Invented : Monroe , NY
Scariest “ingredient” : beef and pork gelatin, which makes this baby unkosher
Desirability : this nacho cheese! this my cheese.
For those of you who don’t know, cheese is made almost entirely of coagulated milk proteins. Notice I didn’t say ” made entirely of rendered gelatin from the bones of pigs and cows “. Think about it, have you ever had pig cheese? Nope. So why is there pig in this ” cheese” ? In fact, it’s so uncheese like it’s labeled as a cheese product, much like how mucus is a flu product. However, like much of Americana, Velveeta’s sentimental value trumps is food value. Think of it as the mid-90s Ford Mustang : it’s ugly and not very good but deep down inside, we all secretly want to have it.
2. Hot Dogs
Invented : possibly Coney Island , NY
Scariest “ingredient” : all of it is made via ” advance meat recovery “
Desirability : for me, some where between sacrificing my first born child and blasphemy
Ok, so we’re talking hot dogs. Not sausages, not Vienna sausages. We’re not talking about an sort of processed meat stuck in an intestinal casing, we’re talking about the skinless, pre-boiled, nitrate filled tubes of goodness known as hot dogs. So first things first. You can eat these things raw as they are precooked, a sure sign of their American heritage. Second, you can buy skinless hot dogs, which look nearly identical to their Gentile brothers. How these skinless dogs hold their shape during the cooking process is beyond me but only a food substance that has had it’s remaining food properties ripped away can do such a trick. Did I mention the advanced meat recovery , which is a slaughterhouse process by which the last traces of usable meat are removed from bones and other carcass materials after the primal cuts have been carved off manually ? But man… they’re good. Top it with some Velveeta and wash it down with some…
3. Diet Sodas
Invented : Brooklyn , NY
Scariest “ingredient” : artificial sweeteners that make you fat !?!?
Desirability : I need the caffeine but none of the calories
This stuff is awesome. I will not lie, I love my Diet Hansen’s soda, which apparently means I’m tree hugging tofu eating never take a shower hippie who has now gone corporate. I’ve actually gotten used to the taste of whatever sugar substitute they use, in fact, I would say I prefer Coke Zero to Coke and Diet Mountain Dew to Mountain Dew. However, with this love of sugar free sugary drinks means that I’m a) a 40 year old woman or b) in danger of gaining some substantial weight. Apparently some studies, studies conducted at UTSPH , have shown that diet soda drinkers tend to gain more weight. Is it due to eating habits? probably. Is it due to physiological stimulation of having calorie-less food ? Likely. Is it due to the fact that artificial sweeteners are the creation of Satan himself? Definitely. Speaking of the dark overlord….
4. Fat Free Ice cream
Invented : Third Circle of Hell, Hades
Scariest “ingredient” : the lack of fat
Desirability : between watching an episode of Oprah and watching an episode of Ellen
The essence of cream is fat. More so than any of the previous entries, this is a “food” that is intentionally misleading. Can you roast me a duck but keep it vegetarian ? It’s that absurd. And have you tasted this stuff? It takes like someone put foam in between two scoops of air.
