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Why Pele is king of the kitchen…Archive for December 10, 2009
Sports Sports Sports! I love Sports
I some how manage to watch a lot of non soccer related sports for a guy who spends his nights sweating ( mainly in the feet) while playing video games. Sure, I’m an interesting man but in grand list of priorities, watching non soccer related sports lies some where between eating freshly made donuts and home brewing my phone. However, I’ve some how managed to catch a glimpse of almost every Monday Night Football game and a surprising number of College Football games. However, with it comes an understanding of the audience and what appeals to the audience… and frankly, I’m disappointed in America. I present to you …
Five Annoying Things about Watching Sports
1. Jon Gruden – Monday Night Football
Before he did color commentary for ESPN, Gruden was a badass take-no-crap from anyone kind of coach. His pale skin and ginger hair gave the viewer an accurate and measurable way of determining Gruden’s rage. Allow me to illustrate :
Notice that the how the redness of his face and the wildness of his hair directly correlates to Gruden’s rage. But that’s not what I dislike about Gruden, it’s his commentary. Watch Gruden break down the keys to a game and you’ll inevitably run into his famous ” I just said the most extraordinary thing in the world ” face. It’s a face that tells you
” Hey, I might just be a crazy former NFL head coach, but I just read that teleprompter without giggling like a little girl”
It’s a ” Hey Mom, look at me I’m on TV ” face. And it’s just awful
2. Dave Matthews Band – College Gameday
No disrespect to Dave Matthews Band, but who listens to them anymore? I mean what self respecting college kid listens to a band who reached the height of their popularity while they were still in elementary school? I mean, remember when I was in college and you’d go to a party thrown by white people ( it’s only white people who do this by the way ) and someone decides to throw on some 311…. or Third Eye Blind… or No Doubt? Sure it’s all good and fun but then you ask yourself, ” Hey, why are there only white people here ? ” before deciding to sneak out to avoid the inevitable ” Say something in Chinese bro! ” request.
3. Lou Holtz : College Gameday
I love you Mr. Holtz and I have tremendous respect for your career, especially considering you were able to leave behind your childhood as the richest child in Richville and guide four different programs to Top 20 rankings. However, this is purely aesthetics : Mr. Holtz, your hair color matches your eye glasses frame color.. and it weirds me out. His glasses are some how an extension of his hair , which both are some sort of unnatural shade of yellow. It’s just wrong, get the man some silver frames… and dye his hair white to give him that ” I’m the old sage of the FBS” look.
4. Tommy Smyth – ESPN Soccer
Mr. Smyth ” wit ah whyyyyyyy” is really annoying. It’s just that simple.
5. Dave Matthews Band – College Gameday
I mean, Dave Matthews !!! Come on! Really think the music department is run by some mid-20s something frat boy, you know the kind, the one who worked the hardest to get into the frat and then let the whole world know that he was a part of Tri Delt.. or Delta Omega or Chi Square or whatever. The guy who would wear a visor, button up college logo/colors shirt ( you know the kind your Dad would wear… if your dad wasn’t an engineer who didn’t care about football ) khakis and deck shoes while chugging a Bud/Coors/Natty Lite/Miller/Lonestar. The guy who’s a bit overweight, has a really well groomed five o’clock shadow. That’s the guy who’s doing the music. Not to be a music snob or anything but Dave Matthews doesn’t even get play time on Top 40s stations. All I ask is relevance while I watch my season highlights… I mean… COME ON! DAVE MATTHEWS!?!?!?!!?
