America loves its doctors. I mean whose heart pumped a little bit faster when ever you hear the name, C. Everett Koop ? Do you know what? Doctors are overrated. Sure they do great things like perform appendectomies with pocket knives or manage to give sage wisdom to their sons Theo, but really, they deserve only a smidge more admiration than the guy who is able to replace all four of my struts and realign my suspension for under $400.  Over the past five years working/studying in Medical schools, my admiration for doctors has dropped from ” bronze gods plucked from heaven to cure the world of it’s ills ” to the more appropriate ” look at this thing growing here, if you don’t know what it is , I’m sure some one else does “. How has this happened? How can the people I once worshiped and killed worked for suddenly fall to such a low level ? Here’s why, I present to you :

Five Reasons Doctors Lost my Respect

1) Appearance :

Micro miniskirt ? Cool. Attractive young doctor ? Also cool. Micro miniskirt + Attractive Young Doctor = impending lawsuit for incompetence.  Dress like a professional for God’s sake. I really don’t think someone who spent 4 years in med school, 3+ years in residency and passed their boards really wants to be looked at in the same way as a Hooters waitress. This isn’t Halloween damnit ! You can be sexy doctor any where else except WHEN YOU’RE ACTUALLY A DOCTOR.

2) Med Students :

Oh the hive mind of the medical students. It’s amazing watching them emerge from the woodwork and collectively decimate a table of food. Locusts. That’s not the strangest part. Nothing is more disconcerting than wait in line and over hearing a med student repeat the words ” bro” and “trashed” in faux Cali-boy style. You really wonder how well they’re going to be able to diagnose the strange lump on your right testicle.  Not only that, their in ability to understand that other people require the use of the stairs/sidewalk/hall/lounge/door/elevator really brings into question their bedside manner.

3) Language :

Phrases/Words I’ve heard from respected Doctors :

a) bone

b) what the F

c) douchebag

d) king of the p***y

e) where are my keys ?

4) This guy :

Allow me to explain the importance of Debakey , there are two statues in Methodist Hospital : Jesus and Debakey ( if Debakey wasn’t just a bust, but a full sized bronze statue like Jesus, my guess is he would be bigger than Jesus )  Every building and every organization has a Debakey Hall/Room/conference center/vending machine. The man the patron saint of the world’s largest Medical Center…. and he’s gone. Remember when you got back a test and the class average was a 30 yet the highest score was a 95 ? Weren’t you upset about the person who got a 95? Then weren’t you crippled  by the fact that if that person didn’t a 95, the average would have been even lower ? That’s what Debakey did. By sheer will ( and some performance enhancing drugs ) he pulled and supported the whole profession with his amazing accomplishments. He was the curve breaker that made everyone look so good.

5) Politics

22 of our 435 elected Congressional officials are in the health care profession and yet… none of them were on the Senate Finance Committee to passed the Health Care bill this week. Granted only two Senators are doctors but the closest thing to a health care provider on the committee was  a vet. A VET! Don’t you want a doctor in that committee to give you an idea of what costs what and what actually goes on ? What does that really mean ?  a) they’re incompetent politicians who can’t get in the discussion to deal with something that they’re an expert in or b) they’re such horrible doctors that their opinions are no better than the guy who neutered my dog 10 years ago  ?