Oh my ridiculous hobby, you’ve waited for me… like a stubborn carpet stain that tells a story no one cares to remember.  Anyways, focus man focus! The question that I am about to address has boggled the minds of nerds since the age of time : Why Star Trek is better than Star Wars.  Now this isn’t a  ” The Enterprise could take down an Imperial Star Destroyer any day! ” kind of argument.  No, this is something more important. This is for the souls of our children.  Star Wars is really a documentary about a Universe full of porno loving degenerates and violent sociopaths while Star Trek is the pillar of light that we all follow boldly into the future.  I present to you …

Star Wars Episode VII: The Poisoning of our Youth

4. Intergalactic Diplomacy vs Shooting First

Star Trek VI : The Undiscovered Country tells a tale of how the Enterprise and her crew of retirees attempt to thwart an intergalactic war between the Federation ( i.e. the Galactic United Nations ) and the Klingons ( i.e. guys who tan too much while repeatedly watching 300 in German).  It’s intergalactic diplomacy at it’s best!  The importance of peace between two old enemies is far more important than the personal feud of one Captain James Tiberius Kirk. A good example for our children :  fight with your words, not with your photon torpedoes.

You know what Star Wars would advocating? Shooting first.  According to the ” Han Shot First” Wikipedia page :

“In the original theatrical version of the film, Solo proceeds to shoot Greedo from under the table. Greedo dies without firing a shot.”

What is that teaching our kids? You don’t like that guy stealing your Wookie? Shoot him in the face when ever he looks at it ! Don’t like that guy mocking your C3PO costume? Go on a preemptive nut kicking rampage! For shame…

3. Whores … whores everywhere

Fetishes going onto their logical conclusion

The Leia Slave costume is every nerds fantasy.  I have no problem with this, it’s still a very ” sexy” costume. However, will the average Star Wars fan be able date much less converse with someone who can actually fit into that costume? Probably not. I mean at least Star Trek showed us what was within our reach : women in lycra jump suits. While I’m sure there are plenty of women who can look good in the costume, it’s sending the wrong message to my fellow nerds.  People need to date on their same level. If Star Wars fans keep shooting for the moon, they’ll miss the glass covered road in front of them. Then who will seed the next generation of IT consultants and software engineers ? The beautiful people? NO! They rejected us in high school…. why would they help us now?

2. The Jedi Mind Trick : Pill-less Roofies

” Hindsight : Those were the droids you were looking for”

This is clearly a huge threat.  There isn’t even anything remotely close to this in Star Trek. You think a bunch of boys who grew up and were trained by mostly men ( and the occasional green puppet ) are going to go around tricking clone soldiers into believing that those were not the droids they were looking for?  Hell no.  It’s called a Jedi Mind TRICK. Not a Jedi Mind Suggestion or a Jedi Mind ” This will help you get out of a tricky spot”, no, it’s a trick… not an illusion, Micheal, but a trick. You know what rhymes with trick? PRICK . If rhyming has taught us anything, we should be expecting a bunch of douchey padawans going around trying to find a bunch of Padmes to show them their “light saber”.  Disgusting.

1. Incest : Ma’ that Aint’ Right

“Trust me, Obi Wan said it was a good idea..”

Checkmate. Pictures speak louder than words, but sometimes you need to throw in some words for extra emphasis. This… this is wrong on so many levels.  Why would you do this to us Luke? Being the savior of the Jedis and restoring the Light Side of the Force isn’t good enough? Got to dabble into the forbidden arts?