Part two of my infinite part series : how to not raise your children.  Outside of parents who wish their children to be offensive linemen, most people want their children to be smart.  Why else do we admire doctors , worship Nobel Laureates and turn into putty around chess grandmasters ? Obviously, the pinnacle of smart is the science PhD, a person whose life’s work can be summed up in two sentences of your average 10th grader’s biology book.  You might be tempted to force your child a life of persistent academia but don’t do it.

Don’t let your children get a PhD in the sciences :

Do you like begging for money ? If you do, a PhD is for you!  Five years of graduate school plus four years of post doctorate work along followed in a few years trying to reach the level of assistant professor trains you to write the world’s best ” Need food , any thing will help ” sign.  Except you don’t get the luxury of using a marker and cardboard, but instead will spend months drinking salty coffee flavored by your sweat and tears trying to convince NIH to give you funding.  20% of labs that received NIH funding last year closed down , so far enough down the line, you will fail.

Let me illustrate my point with a picture. This is a scientist.

This is not a black and white picture, but an optical distortion caused by the endless amounts of work that drains all the color out of their lives.

So if crippling depression and fruitless toil aren’t enough to sway you away from a life of science, then perhaps the people are.  Common belief is that the prettier you are, the dumber you are. I bet Sandra Oh would trounce Hyori in a game of trivial pursuit ? Why, cause Sandra Oh is oh so homely.  Further more medical students generally have better grades than graduate students, so you’d assume that medical students would be a bit harder on the eyes… WRONG. Medical students are gorgeous. They’re the smartest, douchiest frat boys who date their overachieving cheerleader sorority president girlfriends.  Do I sound bitter? Of course, I’m a graduate student.  The next two years of my life will consist of living in a small windowless lab that will effectively turn me into the world’s loneliest troll.

This is not a scientist… there are so many things wrong with this picture.

So, scientist are depressed and ugly. What else is there? Well, there are the other people who work in science. Personal hygiene isn’t important to people who’s lives consist of working with E.coli while wearing latex gloves.  For the most, part bathing is seen as a good idea while oral hygiene seems to be strictly prohibited.  What’s the point, you know? No one wears a tuxedo to McDonalds, right?

There is one bright spot about being a scientist, though it’s hardly enough to keep this boat from sinking.  Science is dominated by people who’s first language is not English, in fact, their second language probably isn’t English.  It makes for an interesting scenario, especially to the uninitiated. Think about it, to non-Asians, we Asians all look the same. To the naive, Koreans look Chinese, Japanese look Korean and Chinese look Japanese.  Nothing is funnier than two Asians trying to have a conversation in broken English. Not really that funny right? Well, in my sad world, it is.