clap for me research monkey
Why Pele is king of the kitchen…doctos schmoctors
America loves its doctors. I mean whose heart pumped a little bit faster when ever you hear the name, C. Everett Koop ? Do you know what? Doctors are overrated. Sure they do great things like perform appendectomies with pocket knives or manage to give sage wisdom to their sons Theo, but really, they deserve only a smidge more admiration than the guy who is able to replace all four of my struts and realign my suspension for under $400. Over the past five years working/studying in Medical schools, my admiration for doctors has dropped from ” bronze gods plucked from heaven to cure the world of it’s ills ” to the more appropriate ” look at this thing growing here, if you don’t know what it is , I’m sure some one else does “. How has this happened? How can the people I once worshiped and killed worked for suddenly fall to such a low level ? Here’s why, I present to you :
Five Reasons Doctors Lost my Respect
1) Appearance :
Micro miniskirt ? Cool. Attractive young doctor ? Also cool. Micro miniskirt + Attractive Young Doctor = impending lawsuit for incompetence. Dress like a professional for God’s sake. I really don’t think someone who spent 4 years in med school, 3+ years in residency and passed their boards really wants to be looked at in the same way as a Hooters waitress. This isn’t Halloween damnit ! You can be sexy doctor any where else except WHEN YOU’RE ACTUALLY A DOCTOR.
2) Med Students :
Oh the hive mind of the medical students. It’s amazing watching them emerge from the woodwork and collectively decimate a table of food. Locusts. That’s not the strangest part. Nothing is more disconcerting than wait in line and over hearing a med student repeat the words ” bro” and “trashed” in faux Cali-boy style. You really wonder how well they’re going to be able to diagnose the strange lump on your right testicle. Not only that, their in ability to understand that other people require the use of the stairs/sidewalk/hall/lounge/door/elevator really brings into question their bedside manner.
3) Language :
Phrases/Words I’ve heard from respected Doctors :
a) bone
b) what the F
c) douchebag
d) king of the p***y
e) where are my keys ?
4) This guy :
Allow me to explain the importance of Debakey , there are two statues in Methodist Hospital : Jesus and Debakey ( if Debakey wasn’t just a bust, but a full sized bronze statue like Jesus, my guess is he would be bigger than Jesus ) Every building and every organization has a Debakey Hall/Room/conference center/vending machine. The man the patron saint of the world’s largest Medical Center…. and he’s gone. Remember when you got back a test and the class average was a 30 yet the highest score was a 95 ? Weren’t you upset about the person who got a 95? Then weren’t you crippled by the fact that if that person didn’t a 95, the average would have been even lower ? That’s what Debakey did. By sheer will ( and some performance enhancing drugs ) he pulled and supported the whole profession with his amazing accomplishments. He was the curve breaker that made everyone look so good.
5) Politics
22 of our 435 elected Congressional officials are in the health care profession and yet… none of them were on the Senate Finance Committee to passed the Health Care bill this week. Granted only two Senators are doctors but the closest thing to a health care provider on the committee was a vet. A VET! Don’t you want a doctor in that committee to give you an idea of what costs what and what actually goes on ? What does that really mean ? a) they’re incompetent politicians who can’t get in the discussion to deal with something that they’re an expert in or b) they’re such horrible doctors that their opinions are no better than the guy who neutered my dog 10 years ago ?
we are better than you
It’s the little things in life that matter most. Think about it, no one cares about hamburgers until a tiny amount of E.coli isn’t cooked away. Boom, tainted beef epidemic. It’s not the fact that you had to use the bathroom, it’s the fact that you missed the toilet and instead hit the couch. Minor details. However, these minor details are things that separate us ( civil society ) from them ( Godless, hedonistic sociopaths ) But the Devil, as always, is in the details. If these details are so small, how do we know if people are about to shake our hand or severe our fingers to sell on the black market? I present to you …
I’m not going to dignify that with an answer : five small signs of civil society
1. disposable toilet seat covers – never again will your ass indirectly caress another person’s ass
2. bus drivers who don’t wait for people – the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one
3. Jabbawockeez advertising Gatorade – only a society that has solved all its problems will deem choreographed dancing to be on par with dunking a basketball from the free throw line
4. Musicians turned movie stars – everyone deserves a chance to make their dreams come true, even Common and Will.I.Am
5. Instant oatmeal that takes longer to cook than normal oatmeal – uncivil society wouldn’t accept such nonsense
White People or FOBs?
FOBs aren’t people, at least not recent FOBs or FOBs over the age of 40 are not people. There, I’ve said it. Their mannerisms, their inability to pick up facial cues or understand particular social situations. It’s as if every science fiction robot came to life. You know the situation : man makes robot, robot is confused by man, robot wants to learn to love and emote…. robot accidentally kills man. Ah yes, the FOB …. almost human. However the typical sci-fi robot really is a reflection of society and the creator as a whole. Who dominates socity in the USA ? White people. Bacon flavored vodka, the Hills, Sham-Wows. . . the Jonas Brothers …all horrible creations from the minds of the white man. So what does the FOB say about his master? Plenty… and it’s not pretty. I present to you…
White People or FOBs
white people love t-shirts with “clever” slogans v fobs love shirts with “English” slogans
FOBs love shirts with poorly written English phrases. There is a whole site out there dedicated to the English stumblings of unshipped FOBs. Where do they get this from? White people and their love for “ironic” or “clever t-shirts “. Have you ever been to bustedtees or Urban Outiftters ? It’s bad enough to hear people quote the “latest” catch phrase but to put it on a shirt? I mean FOBs have the good sense to not repeat these quotes because a) they’re grammatical landmines that make little sense b) communism or robots are causes too important to be distracted by such trivialities. But what does this say about say about white people ? A) They love Andy Samberg ( ever seen a “i’m on a boat” or ” mr. pibb + redvines = crazy delicious” shirt … yeah.. lame ) and B) they’re the last to know about anything when it comes to the internet. The speed at which things happen on the internet is too fast for any T-shirt company. In the time it takes a company to print a shirt with Fatso the Piano playing the cat, ten new cats have risen to fame and fallen from grace. Your shirt is already 10 cats behind, and to a cat that like 70 cats behind…. you heard me.
White people and FOBs fear large groups of non white people
When white people see a large group of FOBs, what do they think ? An engineering graduate student get together… and you know why? Cause they’re right. When FOBs see a large group of white people, what do they think? This is must be a filming for an episode of Friends or some misconceived MTV reality show. What do FOBs think when they see a large group of non white people? I better run to my car or I will be robbed/beaten/forced toplay a game of basketball/soccer. The global economy sucks except for one sector of American exports. You know what that is? Racism. You know who their chief buyer is? FOBs. Like all good American phenomenons, FOBs have soaked up racism through television and movies that white people have created. FOBs have already mastered the art of bad pop music and government partisanship ( i.e. Taiwan ) , it should be no surprise that irrational racism is taking so well.
White people want to be hairless vs. Asians are hairless
Body shaving is a foreign concept for FOBs. It’s not just because of a culture that doesn’t care for personal grooming but a result of years of 
genetic breeding that has essentially phased out the body hair gene for most FOBs. When you live in a country of 1.6 billion, the drag created by extra body hair makes it more difficult to manage your way through crowded bicycled filled streets. However, go to any gym and find the white guy who is most into himself. He’s probably wearing a cutoff shirt, perhaps a baseball cap and definitely grunts too much while lifting. Look at his legs, what do you see ? RAZOR BUMPS! To better illustrate this, I’ve found a delightful illustration. Everyone says that their dogs look like their masters and what better to generalize a represent a country of people than to find dogs named after them. Take a look at the two dogs : which one is the Chinese Crested Dog and which is the Scottish Terrier ? Checkmate. I mean how brilliant was that ? You ever wonder how Liu Xiang won the Gold in Athens? Your answer is right there.
I Have Been and Always Shall Be Your Friend…
Oh my ridiculous hobby, you’ve waited for me… like a stubborn carpet stain that tells a story no one cares to remember. Anyways, focus man focus! The question that I am about to address has boggled the minds of nerds since the age of time : Why Star Trek is better than Star Wars. Now this isn’t a ” The Enterprise could take down an Imperial Star Destroyer any day! ” kind of argument. No, this is something more important. This is for the souls of our children. Star Wars is really a documentary about a Universe full of porno loving degenerates and violent sociopaths while Star Trek is the pillar of light that we all follow boldly into the future. I present to you …
Star Wars Episode VII: The Poisoning of our Youth
4. Intergalactic Diplomacy vs Shooting First
Star Trek VI : The Undiscovered Country tells a tale of how the Enterprise and her crew of retirees attempt to thwart an intergalactic war between the Federation ( i.e. the Galactic United Nations ) and the Klingons ( i.e. guys who tan too much while repeatedly watching 300 in German). It’s intergalactic diplomacy at it’s best! The importance of peace between two old enemies is far more important than the personal feud of one Captain James Tiberius Kirk. A good example for our children : fight with your words, not with your photon torpedoes.
You know what Star Wars would advocating? Shooting first. According to the ” Han Shot First” Wikipedia page :
“In the original theatrical version of the film, Solo proceeds to shoot Greedo from under the table. Greedo dies without firing a shot.”
What is that teaching our kids? You don’t like that guy stealing your Wookie? Shoot him in the face when ever he looks at it ! Don’t like that guy mocking your C3PO costume? Go on a preemptive nut kicking rampage! For shame…
3. Whores … whores everywhere
Fetishes going onto their logical conclusion
The Leia Slave costume is every nerds fantasy. I have no problem with this, it’s still a very ” sexy” costume. However, will the average Star Wars fan be able date much less converse with someone who can actually fit into that costume? Probably not. I mean at least Star Trek showed us what was within our reach : women in lycra jump suits. While I’m sure there are plenty of women who can look good in the costume, it’s sending the wrong message to my fellow nerds. People need to date on their same level. If Star Wars fans keep shooting for the moon, they’ll miss the glass covered road in front of them. Then who will seed the next generation of IT consultants and software engineers ? The beautiful people? NO! They rejected us in high school…. why would they help us now?
2. The Jedi Mind Trick : Pill-less Roofies
” Hindsight : Those were the droids you were looking for”
This is clearly a huge threat. There isn’t even anything remotely close to this in Star Trek. You think a bunch of boys who grew up and were trained by mostly men ( and the occasional green puppet ) are going to go around tricking clone soldiers into believing that those were not the droids they were looking for? Hell no. It’s called a Jedi Mind TRICK. Not a Jedi Mind Suggestion or a Jedi Mind ” This will help you get out of a tricky spot”, no, it’s a trick… not an illusion, Micheal, but a trick. You know what rhymes with trick? PRICK . If rhyming has taught us anything, we should be expecting a bunch of douchey padawans going around trying to find a bunch of Padmes to show them their “light saber”. Disgusting.
1. Incest : Ma’ that Aint’ Right
“Trust me, Obi Wan said it was a good idea..”
Checkmate. Pictures speak louder than words, but sometimes you need to throw in some words for extra emphasis. This… this is wrong on so many levels. Why would you do this to us Luke? Being the savior of the Jedis and restoring the Light Side of the Force isn’t good enough? Got to dabble into the forbidden arts?
The Serenity of the Haiku
It’s been three long days since I saw Mos Def and in the solitude of my memory foam mattress, I’ve been enlightened.
Three Haikus about the Mos Def Concert
a
Am I the whitest?
It’s okay! They will not care.
Relief! White skaters!
b.
Two songs. Switch artist.
Five minute intermissions.
Hair management ads.
c.
Bilal sings with soul.
Ledisi sings with passion.
Mos sings with mumbles
completely random
1. I’m enjoying Yank Crime by Drive Like Jehu
2. The song in the new Altima commercial reminds me of Chocolate Rain
3. Do people become weirder because they’re lonely or are they lonely because they’re weird ?
4. Prince of Persia is a gorgeous game. Rumor has it that Elika was modeled after Natalie Portman , which explains why I think she’s attractive … despite being not real
5. sciencewins.blogspot.com is not my site. in fact, it has little to nothing to do with science, not that this has anything to do with science
6. My life loses all meaning after seeing this…
7. Why does no one sit next to me on the bus? Do I smell? Do I look mean, even with my big eyes?
8. Why don’t FOBs move to the back of the bus when more people are trying to get on ? They just stand there and cause this horrible compression in the front… or they could sit next to me
9. I’ve disabled comments or at least I think I have
Choose your Destiny
There are too many jobs that Asians should not do : professional NBA player ( that includes you Yao ) , professional stripper,air guitar champion, etc. etc… However, what will future generations of Asian Americans be ? More importantly, what occupation should the current generation look at the envy while simultaneously cursing their parents for their parent’s lack of foresight ? I present to you, the occupation we were made for :
Formula 1 Racing
I’m dead serious. Allow me to present to you, an air tight argument of why our future lies in the curvy tracks of Formula 1.
1. We’re short? Check
Lewis Hamilton ? He’s 5′7. Michael Schumacher ? 5′8. Mika Hakkinen ? 5′10 but he’s Finnish, meaning he’s a tiny Finn. Go to Chinatown or any place where there is cheap and possibly illegal gambling and you’ll see a sea of Asian men, all under 5′10. This is our genetic gift. It allows our women to stay small and disguise their legality when it comes to going to the movies , which strangely enough, allows us to be cheap by paying “student” prices.
2. No need for physical anything? Check
We’re good at sitting on our ass all day and barely moving our arms. Who is the best Starcraft player? A Korean guy. Who are the best World of Warcraft gold miners? Chinese guys. Who are the fastest assembly line workers? Chinese women. What do they have in common? They sit and move only their arms, never turning their head to socialize with fellow workers or the rest of society. No, eyes straight ahead… even a horse needs blinders. Further more, power steering and a demand to be light means muscle mass is not only useless, it’s unwanted.
3. More beautiful half Asian half European children ? Check.
4. Gaudy painted cars with ugly racing suits ? Check.
We started the tuner scene in America, hell the even named the cars “Ricers” due to our love of 2.0 L Hondas and that delicious white food staple. It’s all about out doing each other and the best way to do it is to have you and your car covered in meaningless corporate logos. Besides, we’ll corner the market! Who wouldn’t want to wear a fire suit covered in Sony, Samsung and Kikkoman logos?
5. Remove the negative stereotype that Asians can’t drive ? Check
Have you been to Chinatown ? Better yet, have you been to China ? We can’t drive. Once we conquer F1 ( and maybe NASCAR if the good ole boys let us play ) we’ll finally be able to show the world that all the “racing” stickers on our Civics are directly proportional to our driving ability.
Words of advice :
1. Resist the urge to yell ” Vtec just kicked in, Yo! , … especially now that Honda is involved in F1 racing
2. Easy on the champagne after you win. Your dehydrated state plus the dreaded Asian flush is not a good combination. Also if you happen to compete in the Indy 500 ( yes IndyCar isn’t F1 but it’s still open wheel ) avoid the milk when you win. If you’re Asian, chances are you lactose intolerant. Use Soy Milk, won’t cause you to die and it boots your Asian street cred.
You’re Not Doing it Right…
Part two of my infinite part series : how to not raise your children. Outside of parents who wish their children to be offensive linemen, most people want their children to be smart. Why else do we admire doctors , worship Nobel Laureates and turn into putty around chess grandmasters ? Obviously, the pinnacle of smart is the science PhD, a person whose life’s work can be summed up in two sentences of your average 10th grader’s biology book. You might be tempted to force your child a life of persistent academia but don’t do it.
Don’t let your children get a PhD in the sciences :
Do you like begging for money ? If you do, a PhD is for you! Five years of graduate school plus four years of post doctorate work along followed in a few years trying to reach the level of assistant professor trains you to write the world’s best ” Need food , any thing will help ” sign. Except you don’t get the luxury of using a marker and cardboard, but instead will spend months drinking salty coffee flavored by your sweat and tears trying to convince NIH to give you funding. 20% of labs that received NIH funding last year closed down , so far enough down the line, you will fail.
Let me illustrate my point with a picture. This is a scientist. 
This is not a black and white picture, but an optical distortion caused by the endless amounts of work that drains all the color out of their lives.
So if crippling depression and fruitless toil aren’t enough to sway you away from a life of science, then perhaps the people are. Common belief is that the prettier you are, the dumber you are. I bet Sandra Oh would trounce Hyori in a game of trivial pursuit ? Why, cause Sandra Oh is oh so homely. Further more medical students generally have better grades than graduate students, so you’d assume that medical students would be a bit harder on the eyes… WRONG. Medical students are gorgeous. They’re the smartest, douchiest frat boys who date their overachieving cheerleader sorority president girlfriends. Do I sound bitter? Of course, I’m a graduate student. The next two years of my life will consist of living in a small windowless lab that will effectively turn me into the world’s loneliest troll.
This is not a scientist… there are so many things wrong with this picture.
So, scientist are depressed and ugly. What else is there? Well, there are the other people who work in science. Personal hygiene isn’t important to people who’s lives consist of working with E.coli while wearing latex gloves. For the most, part bathing is seen as a good idea while oral hygiene seems to be strictly prohibited. What’s the point, you know? No one wears a tuxedo to McDonalds, right?
There is one bright spot about being a scientist, though it’s hardly enough to keep this boat from sinking. Science is dominated by people who’s first language is not English, in fact, their second language probably isn’t English. It makes for an interesting scenario, especially to the uninitiated. Think about it, to non-Asians, we Asians all look the same. To the naive, Koreans look Chinese, Japanese look Korean and Chinese look Japanese. Nothing is funnier than two Asians trying to have a conversation in broken English. Not really that funny right? Well, in my sad world, it is.
how not to raise your children
I’m now at that age where more and more of my friends are geting married which inevitably leads to desolate and all consuming world of child rearing. At my church alone, women are popping out babies left and right. It’s as if the balance of pregnant women must be maintained : for every newly “seeded” woman , there is another who has just been “harvested”. Something in the lunches they serve or maybe it’s the fact that kimchi is a well known aphrodisiac… might not be true. Either way, we now have a surplus of generation Z-ers or AA-ers or something. What to do with these 6-10 lb bundles of joy? Well, it’s not important what to do with them, as to what NOT to do with them. So for the zero people who actually read this, I submit to you :
how not to raise your children: the Golden Rule
Do not encourage your child to be an engineer :
Do you know how many Asian engineers are out there ? Do we really need more ? Granted, engineering is a fine profession. It pays well, is relatively stable and it utilizes the dual Asian prowess of mathematical dexterity and subordination to white men. However, ask any three year old child ” What do you want to be when you grow up ? ” and “process engineer” or ” systems engineer” are words that don’t exist in their feeble vocabulary. Not even the cool engineers like aerospace or mechanical engineering will come up. Children and tweens are too young and too stupid to understand the necessity of job stability or steady work place advancement.
Consider this : we all reach a point in life where we can buy something we’ve been dreaming of for a long time : a new car. This is your first new car, the one that you’ve been thinking about since you turned 16. If you raise your child to be an engineer,they’ll buy a 2.0 L , 4 door champagne-colored Honda Accord. Why ? Because it’s spacious, reliable and well built? No, it’s because they’ve given up on life and their hopes and dreams and have settled into a life of beige. Just like a engineer.
However, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have your little girls date an engineer. What safer way to introduce your little girl into the world of dating then allowing her to date an engineer : a man who’s lack of creativity combined with his flatlined libido will ensure that her first date will be free of anything remotely close to interesting. Perhaps a moderately price meal at a nation wide steakhouse followed by a documentary about the Cold War. Safe.
I mean really, are you threatened by this guy?
i heart internet
I’m never too impressed with my generation. Sure, we’re more socially aware and more accepting than previous generations, probably due to the tremendous amounts of information we have access to. Sure, we might be more creative and view life more holistically than our parents but we’re full of a lot of horrible things. We’re incredibly self centered, I mean look at Twitter. Am I really that important that I need to let everyone know my feelings about this episode of 24 as it’s going on? We’re obsessed with instant gratification. Our parents were chumps, waiting in line. What’s the deal with that? My oh my how we are such consumers. This shirt, oh sure it looks like yours , but see this crocodile? It means it’s more expensive. What trend can I follow next in order to beat the trend that’s coming up now? Why do I need to buy this i_____, because it’s newer! This 20 dollar water bottle is the greatest! Sure beats drinking water out of a glass like those plebes… Just when I lose it and curse my own generational inadequecies, I find something like this :
This is why I love the internet. It’s my generations crowning achievement that we are able to dig through the wasteland of information, to find nugget after nugget of meme gold. Sure, there are more important things that need to be remembered and are certainly more deserving to be remembered but it’s so hard to argue against an “underwater” Batman fighting to drunken lounge music… sorry Gaza strip, your problems will wait another day… hehehe “BLOOP”
edit: on a side note, Broken Social Scene comes in town on Monday , but I have a test on Wednesday… what a cruel world.
