clap for me research monkey
Why Pele is king of the kitchen…I Have Been and Always Shall Be Your Friend…
Oh my ridiculous hobby, you’ve waited for me… like a stubborn carpet stain that tells a story no one cares to remember. Anyways, focus man focus! The question that I am about to address has boggled the minds of nerds since the age of time : Why Star Trek is better than Star Wars. Now this isn’t a ” The Enterprise could take down an Imperial Star Destroyer any day! ” kind of argument. No, this is something more important. This is for the souls of our children. Star Wars is really a documentary about a Universe full of porno loving degenerates and violent sociopaths while Star Trek is the pillar of light that we all follow boldly into the future. I present to you …
Star Wars Episode VII: The Poisoning of our Youth
4. Intergalactic Diplomacy vs Shooting First
Star Trek VI : The Undiscovered Country tells a tale of how the Enterprise and her crew of retirees attempt to thwart an intergalactic war between the Federation ( i.e. the Galactic United Nations ) and the Klingons ( i.e. guys who tan too much while repeatedly watching 300 in German). It’s intergalactic diplomacy at it’s best! The importance of peace between two old enemies is far more important than the personal feud of one Captain James Tiberius Kirk. A good example for our children : fight with your words, not with your photon torpedoes.
You know what Star Wars would advocating? Shooting first. According to the ” Han Shot First” Wikipedia page :
“In the original theatrical version of the film, Solo proceeds to shoot Greedo from under the table. Greedo dies without firing a shot.”
What is that teaching our kids? You don’t like that guy stealing your Wookie? Shoot him in the face when ever he looks at it ! Don’t like that guy mocking your C3PO costume? Go on a preemptive nut kicking rampage! For shame…
3. Whores … whores everywhere
Fetishes going onto their logical conclusion
The Leia Slave costume is every nerds fantasy. I have no problem with this, it’s still a very ” sexy” costume. However, will the average Star Wars fan be able date much less converse with someone who can actually fit into that costume? Probably not. I mean at least Star Trek showed us what was within our reach : women in lycra jump suits. While I’m sure there are plenty of women who can look good in the costume, it’s sending the wrong message to my fellow nerds. People need to date on their same level. If Star Wars fans keep shooting for the moon, they’ll miss the glass covered road in front of them. Then who will seed the next generation of IT consultants and software engineers ? The beautiful people? NO! They rejected us in high school…. why would they help us now?
2. The Jedi Mind Trick : Pill-less Roofies
” Hindsight : Those were the droids you were looking for”
This is clearly a huge threat. There isn’t even anything remotely close to this in Star Trek. You think a bunch of boys who grew up and were trained by mostly men ( and the occasional green puppet ) are going to go around tricking clone soldiers into believing that those were not the droids they were looking for? Hell no. It’s called a Jedi Mind TRICK. Not a Jedi Mind Suggestion or a Jedi Mind ” This will help you get out of a tricky spot”, no, it’s a trick… not an illusion, Micheal, but a trick. You know what rhymes with trick? PRICK . If rhyming has taught us anything, we should be expecting a bunch of douchey padawans going around trying to find a bunch of Padmes to show them their “light saber”. Disgusting.
1. Incest : Ma’ that Aint’ Right
“Trust me, Obi Wan said it was a good idea..”
Checkmate. Pictures speak louder than words, but sometimes you need to throw in some words for extra emphasis. This… this is wrong on so many levels. Why would you do this to us Luke? Being the savior of the Jedis and restoring the Light Side of the Force isn’t good enough? Got to dabble into the forbidden arts?
The Serenity of the Haiku
It’s been three long days since I saw Mos Def and in the solitude of my memory foam mattress, I’ve been enlightened.
Three Haikus about the Mos Def Concert
a
Am I the whitest?
It’s okay! They will not care.
Relief! White skaters!
b.
Two songs. Switch artist.
Five minute intermissions.
Hair management ads.
c.
Bilal sings with soul.
Ledisi sings with passion.
Mos sings with mumbles
completely random
1. I’m enjoying Yank Crime by Drive Like Jehu
2. The song in the new Altima commercial reminds me of Chocolate Rain
3. Do people become weirder because they’re lonely or are they lonely because they’re weird ?
4. Prince of Persia is a gorgeous game. Rumor has it that Elika was modeled after Natalie Portman , which explains why I think she’s attractive … despite being not real
5. sciencewins.blogspot.com is not my site. in fact, it has little to nothing to do with science, not that this has anything to do with science
6. My life loses all meaning after seeing this…
7. Why does no one sit next to me on the bus? Do I smell? Do I look mean, even with my big eyes?
8. Why don’t FOBs move to the back of the bus when more people are trying to get on ? They just stand there and cause this horrible compression in the front… or they could sit next to me
9. I’ve disabled comments or at least I think I have
Choose your Destiny
There are too many jobs that Asians should not do : professional NBA player ( that includes you Yao ) , professional stripper,air guitar champion, etc. etc… However, what will future generations of Asian Americans be ? More importantly, what occupation should the current generation look at the envy while simultaneously cursing their parents for their parent’s lack of foresight ? I present to you, the occupation we were made for :
Formula 1 Racing
I’m dead serious. Allow me to present to you, an air tight argument of why our future lies in the curvy tracks of Formula 1.
1. We’re short? Check
Lewis Hamilton ? He’s 5′7. Michael Schumacher ? 5′8. Mika Hakkinen ? 5′10 but he’s Finnish, meaning he’s a tiny Finn. Go to Chinatown or any place where there is cheap and possibly illegal gambling and you’ll see a sea of Asian men, all under 5′10. This is our genetic gift. It allows our women to stay small and disguise their legality when it comes to going to the movies , which strangely enough, allows us to be cheap by paying “student” prices.
2. No need for physical anything? Check
We’re good at sitting on our ass all day and barely moving our arms. Who is the best Starcraft player? A Korean guy. Who are the best World of Warcraft gold miners? Chinese guys. Who are the fastest assembly line workers? Chinese women. What do they have in common? They sit and move only their arms, never turning their head to socialize with fellow workers or the rest of society. No, eyes straight ahead… even a horse needs blinders. Further more, power steering and a demand to be light means muscle mass is not only useless, it’s unwanted.
3. More beautiful half Asian half European children ? Check.
4. Gaudy painted cars with ugly racing suits ? Check.
We started the tuner scene in America, hell the even named the cars “Ricers” due to our love of 2.0 L Hondas and that delicious white food staple. It’s all about out doing each other and the best way to do it is to have you and your car covered in meaningless corporate logos. Besides, we’ll corner the market! Who wouldn’t want to wear a fire suit covered in Sony, Samsung and Kikkoman logos?
5. Remove the negative stereotype that Asians can’t drive ? Check
Have you been to Chinatown ? Better yet, have you been to China ? We can’t drive. Once we conquer F1 ( and maybe NASCAR if the good ole boys let us play ) we’ll finally be able to show the world that all the “racing” stickers on our Civics are directly proportional to our driving ability.
Words of advice :
1. Resist the urge to yell ” Vtec just kicked in, Yo! , … especially now that Honda is involved in F1 racing
2. Easy on the champagne after you win. Your dehydrated state plus the dreaded Asian flush is not a good combination. Also if you happen to compete in the Indy 500 ( yes IndyCar isn’t F1 but it’s still open wheel ) avoid the milk when you win. If you’re Asian, chances are you lactose intolerant. Use Soy Milk, won’t cause you to die and it boots your Asian street cred.
You’re Not Doing it Right…
Part two of my infinite part series : how to not raise your children. Outside of parents who wish their children to be offensive linemen, most people want their children to be smart. Why else do we admire doctors , worship Nobel Laureates and turn into putty around chess grandmasters ? Obviously, the pinnacle of smart is the science PhD, a person whose life’s work can be summed up in two sentences of your average 10th grader’s biology book. You might be tempted to force your child a life of persistent academia but don’t do it.
Don’t let your children get a PhD in the sciences :
Do you like begging for money ? If you do, a PhD is for you! Five years of graduate school plus four years of post doctorate work along followed in a few years trying to reach the level of assistant professor trains you to write the world’s best ” Need food , any thing will help ” sign. Except you don’t get the luxury of using a marker and cardboard, but instead will spend months drinking salty coffee flavored by your sweat and tears trying to convince NIH to give you funding. 20% of labs that received NIH funding last year closed down , so far enough down the line, you will fail.
Let me illustrate my point with a picture. This is a scientist. 
This is not a black and white picture, but an optical distortion caused by the endless amounts of work that drains all the color out of their lives.
So if crippling depression and fruitless toil aren’t enough to sway you away from a life of science, then perhaps the people are. Common belief is that the prettier you are, the dumber you are. I bet Sandra Oh would trounce Hyori in a game of trivial pursuit ? Why, cause Sandra Oh is oh so homely. Further more medical students generally have better grades than graduate students, so you’d assume that medical students would be a bit harder on the eyes… WRONG. Medical students are gorgeous. They’re the smartest, douchiest frat boys who date their overachieving cheerleader sorority president girlfriends. Do I sound bitter? Of course, I’m a graduate student. The next two years of my life will consist of living in a small windowless lab that will effectively turn me into the world’s loneliest troll.
This is not a scientist… there are so many things wrong with this picture.
So, scientist are depressed and ugly. What else is there? Well, there are the other people who work in science. Personal hygiene isn’t important to people who’s lives consist of working with E.coli while wearing latex gloves. For the most, part bathing is seen as a good idea while oral hygiene seems to be strictly prohibited. What’s the point, you know? No one wears a tuxedo to McDonalds, right?
There is one bright spot about being a scientist, though it’s hardly enough to keep this boat from sinking. Science is dominated by people who’s first language is not English, in fact, their second language probably isn’t English. It makes for an interesting scenario, especially to the uninitiated. Think about it, to non-Asians, we Asians all look the same. To the naive, Koreans look Chinese, Japanese look Korean and Chinese look Japanese. Nothing is funnier than two Asians trying to have a conversation in broken English. Not really that funny right? Well, in my sad world, it is.
how not to raise your children
I’m now at that age where more and more of my friends are geting married which inevitably leads to desolate and all consuming world of child rearing. At my church alone, women are popping out babies left and right. It’s as if the balance of pregnant women must be maintained : for every newly “seeded” woman , there is another who has just been “harvested”. Something in the lunches they serve or maybe it’s the fact that kimchi is a well known aphrodisiac… might not be true. Either way, we now have a surplus of generation Z-ers or AA-ers or something. What to do with these 6-10 lb bundles of joy? Well, it’s not important what to do with them, as to what NOT to do with them. So for the zero people who actually read this, I submit to you :
how not to raise your children: the Golden Rule
Do not encourage your child to be an engineer :
Do you know how many Asian engineers are out there ? Do we really need more ? Granted, engineering is a fine profession. It pays well, is relatively stable and it utilizes the dual Asian prowess of mathematical dexterity and subordination to white men. However, ask any three year old child ” What do you want to be when you grow up ? ” and “process engineer” or ” systems engineer” are words that don’t exist in their feeble vocabulary. Not even the cool engineers like aerospace or mechanical engineering will come up. Children and tweens are too young and too stupid to understand the necessity of job stability or steady work place advancement.
Consider this : we all reach a point in life where we can buy something we’ve been dreaming of for a long time : a new car. This is your first new car, the one that you’ve been thinking about since you turned 16. If you raise your child to be an engineer,they’ll buy a 2.0 L , 4 door champagne-colored Honda Accord. Why ? Because it’s spacious, reliable and well built? No, it’s because they’ve given up on life and their hopes and dreams and have settled into a life of beige. Just like a engineer.
However, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have your little girls date an engineer. What safer way to introduce your little girl into the world of dating then allowing her to date an engineer : a man who’s lack of creativity combined with his flatlined libido will ensure that her first date will be free of anything remotely close to interesting. Perhaps a moderately price meal at a nation wide steakhouse followed by a documentary about the Cold War. Safe.
I mean really, are you threatened by this guy?
i heart internet
I’m never too impressed with my generation. Sure, we’re more socially aware and more accepting than previous generations, probably due to the tremendous amounts of information we have access to. Sure, we might be more creative and view life more holistically than our parents but we’re full of a lot of horrible things. We’re incredibly self centered, I mean look at Twitter. Am I really that important that I need to let everyone know my feelings about this episode of 24 as it’s going on? We’re obsessed with instant gratification. Our parents were chumps, waiting in line. What’s the deal with that? My oh my how we are such consumers. This shirt, oh sure it looks like yours , but see this crocodile? It means it’s more expensive. What trend can I follow next in order to beat the trend that’s coming up now? Why do I need to buy this i_____, because it’s newer! This 20 dollar water bottle is the greatest! Sure beats drinking water out of a glass like those plebes… Just when I lose it and curse my own generational inadequecies, I find something like this :
This is why I love the internet. It’s my generations crowning achievement that we are able to dig through the wasteland of information, to find nugget after nugget of meme gold. Sure, there are more important things that need to be remembered and are certainly more deserving to be remembered but it’s so hard to argue against an “underwater” Batman fighting to drunken lounge music… sorry Gaza strip, your problems will wait another day… hehehe “BLOOP”
edit: on a side note, Broken Social Scene comes in town on Monday , but I have a test on Wednesday… what a cruel world.
to think, tattoo time today!
ah tattoos! the conformist’s youthful rebellion! sure, it’ll look like absolute crap once you put on 10 pounds or age 5 years but for the time being, it’s the best 300 dollars you’ll spend and it’s the cheapest and therefore the most exciting way to get hepatitis. it’s been 8 years since I’ve wanted to get a tattoo. Every year I promised that if I kept thinking about it, that would get one. sure, i don’t have the looks of your typical tattoo-ie… tattooine? but at least it won’t be a tramp stamp or anything tribal or ridiculously corporate ( cough cough air jordan )
possible left forearm :
פְּתַח-פִּיךָ שְׁפָט-צֶדֶק; וְדִין, עָנִי וְאֶבְיוֹן.
somewhere on the back/side
shoulder :
Quote of the Day
“ That’s not a good feeling right there …”
- Survivalist/Ninja Bear Grylls after slipping and nearly falling to his death
random thoughts
Things that have been swimming in my head :
1. Recreational ice skating is one of the best spectator activities. Everyone skates slowly and awkwardly around a ring in the same direction, never taking anything but left turns. The parents are only there to watch children fall and crash into the side boards. It is the NASCAR of outside activities.
2. FOX has the worst college football theme. It cheesy over the top gladiator music that fits too well with the Longhorn band’s cheesy over the top cowboy costumes.
3. After watching the BCS games on FOX, I no longer care about the new Dodge Ram with it’s “rambox” and ability to jump through burning/exploding barns in the middle of the dessert. Nor do I care about the new F150 with it’s towing control or the crazy smart engineers that designed it. However I do want to drive the new 370Z through a hazy tunnel and I would like to eat my carry on luggage that consists of oil, salt and white corn.
4. When I die, I would like to be buried in a granite mausoleum that has all my accomplishments etched into it’s side ala Roland Burris. It will be one foot tall and have “had a badonkadonk ” on the side. Courier will be my choice of font.
5. Why did Billy Corgan shave his head? Did he see the batboy and think, ” that’s a good look! ” ?
6. I will no longer buy blue toilet bowl tablets. The unnatural blue color of the water combined with the miscellaneous ____ that come out of my body make for an even more unnatural and sickly looking color. I don’t like it very much. Plus the tablets break up and clog the channels so I don’t get a satisfying flush.
7. Charlie Rose has the best interviews. I mean what does a 67 year old white guy have in common with Danger Mouse, Conan O’Brien and Jack White? Plus , that all black background is serious business. You don’t go onto Charlie Rose to mess around, it’s game time.
